Monday, 31 May 2010

Born In The USA

So I am in America on my shiny new iPhone.

Just come to Panama City Beach from New Orleans and what a night out that is ... I think I agreed to a sham marriage with some dude from Chicago. Oops.

I have been whitewater rafting in Tennessee. Our guide Brad looked like a stoner pirate. It was slightly concerning to realise that he had been one of the people around our campfire the night before smoking some, erm, jazz cigarettes and drinking colt 45. Stay classy Tennessee. Brad fell out of the boat within the first 30 seconds - but his cigarette stayed lit the whole time. Result.

A game of Edward Fortyhands ensued which led to vomiting, men urinating on each other and various substances bring snorted. Shit got messy ...

I am engaged in a battle of wills with a Philadelphia Flyers fan regarding the Stanley Cup. Chicago are going to win as I am using my Blackhawks hoodie as a pillow. The prophet has spoken. I randomly high fived a stranger wearing a Blackhawks jersey on Bourbon Street to prove my point. A woman then told me that Jesus loved me and wanted me to stop drinking. I had a daiquiri in each hand at the time ...

Camping at the beach tonight and onto Disneyworld soon. Woop woop.

Things wrong with America:

1. Cheese - American cheese is atrocious and plastic
2. R.V.s - If you want to stay in a bed with an en suite bathroom, then pay for a fucking hotel moron
3. The insects here all wish to have me as a tasty snack
4. It's too hot
5. Hershey's chocolate

On a side note, fuck British Airways and never fly with them.

A special message to Blake: EXTRA TEETH!!


EHisCDN said...

"stoner pirate" instantly made this post amazing.

Wow your time in America sounds like the opposite of legal lol.

what is Edward Fortyhands? On second thought I don't really want to know.

I hate the Flyers, so bonus on choosing the right team. GO HAWKS! They're my second favourite NHL team.

There are a lot more things wrong with America. I can say it's too hot about Canada right now as well. As I sit here in 30C heat.

Jess said...

Edward Fortyhands is a drinking game where you get 2 40 oz bottles of beer taped to each hand and you can't do anything until you have drained both bottles.

It has been quite an eventful trip so far! In Tennessee I was offered moonshine for 25 dollars and told that it "probably won't make you go blind". Well, great.

Got some serious third degree sunburn today from panama city beach. Fuck you sunshine!

I don't wanna come home though

Val said...

Where are you headed to next?

Anytime you are offered moonshine, take it, just a is a lost art in the southern U.S.

Go 'hawks and go Jess!

Jess said...

We are going to Orlando next Val and then Key West and Miami.

Last night there was a huge argument at the campground -Ronnie is a "sonofabitch" apparently. And the woman involved in the altercation came out with the classic: "I don't care if she's a slut, she's my sister and you don't talk about her like that"

I'm thinking of pretending to be a burns victim to get an audience with mickey mouse. Though there won't be much pretending as I am living in the house of sunburn pain.

Florida is kind of a trainwreck of a state - seen more redneck behaviour here than in Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana and Mississippi combined ...

Val said...

I can appreciate your take on Florida, and think you are right on...burn victim is good, just be sure and put a few gauzy bandages in strategic places along with some aloe goo...

Was thinking about you re: the shootings in you have any people around there, and if so, are they safe? Thoughts and prayers are with the people of that area.

I shall expect a photo from Miami of an Eastern European male on the beach in a thong...thank you in advance!

Blake said...

My brother emailed me pictures last week - of just the extra teeth on a table. What. The. Fuck.

Jess said...


Were the teeth massive, like huge sabretooth tiger incisors?!

Was your brother freaked out by it at all, or just blase about the whole extra-teeth-thing?!