Monday, 31 May 2010

Born In The USA


So I am in America on my shiny new iPhone.

Just come to Panama City Beach from New Orleans and what a night out that is ... I think I agreed to a sham marriage with some dude from Chicago. Oops.

I have been whitewater rafting in Tennessee. Our guide Brad looked like a stoner pirate. It was slightly concerning to realise that he had been one of the people around our campfire the night before smoking some, erm, jazz cigarettes and drinking colt 45. Stay classy Tennessee. Brad fell out of the boat within the first 30 seconds - but his cigarette stayed lit the whole time. Result.

A game of Edward Fortyhands ensued which led to vomiting, men urinating on each other and various substances bring snorted. Shit got messy ...

I am engaged in a battle of wills with a Philadelphia Flyers fan regarding the Stanley Cup. Chicago are going to win as I am using my Blackhawks hoodie as a pillow. The prophet has spoken. I randomly high fived a stranger wearing a Blackhawks jersey on Bourbon Street to prove my point. A woman then told me that Jesus loved me and wanted me to stop drinking. I had a daiquiri in each hand at the time ...

Camping at the beach tonight and onto Disneyworld soon. Woop woop.

Things wrong with America:

1. Cheese - American cheese is atrocious and plastic
2. R.V.s - If you want to stay in a bed with an en suite bathroom, then pay for a fucking hotel moron
3. The insects here all wish to have me as a tasty snack
4. It's too hot
5. Hershey's chocolate

On a side note, fuck British Airways and never fly with them.

A special message to Blake: EXTRA TEETH!!

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!




ConDemmed
I am off to watch Hot Tub Time Machine to ease the pain ...