Monday, 18 January 2010

Why Not?

Why not pay £7.60 to go to the cinema and watch a film whilst talking loudly throughout the whole thing?

[Talking through a film is only acceptable if you are me, it is Friday night and you find yourself in Westbrook Odeon watching Paranormal Activity whilst drunk. Then your running commentary will not only enhance your own personal viewing experience, but that of everyone else sat around you, providing such insight as: "Why is he leaving the door open?!" and "What a DICKHEAD!" Then upon the ending of the film pronouncing loudly: "Is that it?! That was almost as bad as the Blair Witch Project!"]

Why not be an employer? Why not laughably refer to the people you deal with as 'customers'? Why not make sure that your 'customers' have a collective IQ of 3.826? Why not enforce so many petty, illogical and ridiculous rules that you make a convention of OCD, semi-autistic Health & Safety officers look like a hookers-'n-coke feeding frenzy?

Why not go and watch Sting AND Bono in Help For Haiti? Here's an idea douchebags, why not shut your fucking traps and put your hands into your own very deep pockets and spare us all your numbskull dad-rock/medieval lute rainforest panpipe arse and just give Haiti $10million each of your own money. And whilst we are on the subject, Bono and Sting - hasn't Haiti suffered enough?

Why not read The Shack with a straight face? Oh, wait, because that's impossible.

Why not, eh?

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Family Portrait

This whole snow thing is getting a bit ridic.

Instead of working, just take one plastic red nose, one wig purchased as part of a Lionel Richie costume [don't ask] and some carrots.

Et voilĂ .

My family of Schneemänner.

Friday, 1 January 2010

2010 ...

So, that's it for another year then.
The final David Tennant Doctor Who is on my tellybox.

Highlights of my family Christmas?
  1. Dinner table conversation about the quality of prostitutes in Hamburg.
  2. The whole family settling down on Christmas Day to watch The Hangover on DVD.
  3. Dickhead John buying my mother a book he wanted to read as a Christmas gift. He has started reading it already and has complained that it is boring and "there are too many words in it". What does he expect from Charles Dickens?
  4. Dickhead John giving my mother another gift - a pair of fingerless gloves. What. The. Fuck? He said he thought they would be a good present for someone who worked outside. My mother is a teacher.
  5. Sitting in stony silence watching Deadliest Catch or Ice Road Truckers with Dickhead John in the name of father/daughter bonding.

Signs you are having a true Northern Christmas?

None of the chairs at the dinner table match

Bob, the world's fattest cat, also menaced some ham on a plate.

Some things I am going to try and do in 2010:

  • Read more books
  • Arrive at work on time 3 days out of 5 [This will almost certainly never happen]
  • Watch less TV [with the exception of Glee]
  • Eat more fish
  • Go to at least one place I have never been before
  • Learn more about wine
  • Dispose of at least one third of my wardrobe
  • Bake more cakes
  • More pyjamas-as-leisurewear action
  • Incorporate at least one Malcolm Tucker quote into my everyday life

"Do you know, Malcolm? The best way to clear a paper jam?"

"I don't know. Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?"