Thursday, 12 November 2009


Anyone who has used Amazon [and let's not all pretend that we only shop at independent, local, organic, fairtrade book co-operatives staffed by bearded hippies] to buy anything, gets a series of recommendations from all the information that they store about the items you have purchased.

What do these recommendations say about us as people?

Using myself as a guinea pig, because I am awesome like that, I shall endeavour to find out.

1. The Killing Fields DVD

I diagnosed myself as a sociopath based on an article in Real People magazine. This recommendation is really doing me no favours. I said that I owned The Deer Hunter on DVD. Which is true. Apparently Amazon cannot distinguish between the Vietnam war and the Khmer Rouge fucking up Cambodia. Similar, but crucially different.

2. Full Metal Jacket DVD

Recommended because I said that I owned Platoon. True story. This is painting a rather more violent picture of me than I would like ...

3. The Return Of The Native by Thomas Hardy

Oh sweet, sweet irony.

I studied this book for 2 years. Two years of my life I will never get back.

The Reddleman Diggory Venn, Eustacia Vye, Thomasin Yeobright and Wildeve are all indelibly branded into my skull.

I hate this book like I hate Bono. And that is a lot. This book is 400 pages of nothingness. Nothing happens on Egdon Heath. A lot of yokel dialect happens and it makes me hate Wessex a lot. And Wessex doesn't even exist.

The highlight of the two years was watching a ropey TV adaptation starring a then-still-Welsh Catherine Zeta Jones as Eustacia Vye with a thrown on Dorset accent so grating it could strip paint from walls.

4. The Exorcist DVD

Could this list make me look dodgier? I look like a Thomas Hardy survivalist enthusiast with a sideline in the demonic. No wonder I have no friends. I watched this film once and it bored me. The effects have not aged well. And as a child of the late 80s, I have already wasted enough of my life listening to Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells album thankyouverymuch.

5. The Crucible by Arthur Miller

I actually have a copy of this. I was going to write that I owned this but, technically, I stole my copy from the drama department of my high school. And those bastards deserved it. [Sociopathy 101: persistent stealing]

6. Euclid's Window: The Story of Geometry from Parallel Lines to Hyperspace

I think this is a book. I have no idea what the title is referring to. I don't like maths. I am clearly a massive nerd, though.

7. Songs Of Innocence And Experience by William Blake

Making myself look, somehow, even more like a serial killer.

8. Mrs Doubtfire DVD

What says fun like Robin Williams dressed up as a septegenarian Scottish woman with a meringue facemask and some fake tits?

9. To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

I don't like this recommendation because it makes me look like a feminist.

10. The John Candy Collection - includes Uncle Buck, The Great Outdoors, Brewster's Millions and The Blues Brothers.

I may purchase this. What a DVD. Uncle Buck is a bona fide classic.

11. Tinkerbell And The Lost Treasure DVD

I HATE Disney sequels/spin offs which are not Toy Story 2.

The Lion King 2? Fuck off.

12. Northern Wilderness: Bushcraft Of The Far North by Ray Mears

Lord Bushcraft himself. This is the companion book to the current BBC series where Sir Mears tries to survive in the arse end of nowhere in Canada.

It is not as good as the one where he was in the Canadian Rockies and hollowed out a canoe.

And he has yet to use his kindling pouch. Very disappointing.

13. Crazy Love by Michael Bublé

CBM loves The Boob.

As in she thinks they are going to get married, despite the fact that CBM has been married to Dickhead John for 35 years.

She adds her own name into his songs when we are forced to have them on in the car: 'I just haven't met you yet .... Carol!'

And she legitimately thinks he is Irish.

14. Tango In The Night by Fleetwood Mac

Already own this. On vinyl.

15. Twilight Soundtrack

8 more sleeps!!!!1!!1!!!1!!1!!!!

Even Amazon seems to confirm the fact that I am a sociopath.

With an unhealthy obsession with the dealings of Miss Swan and Mr Cullen. [Though we all know that Mr Black is where the hot's at.]

I will be sat in my lead lined bunker with Tubular Bells or The Mac playing in the background whilst watching Mrs Doubtfire and waiting for the world to end.


Val said...

Ah, no matter what Amazon says, I think you are fabulous!

Jess said...

So do I, Val.

So do I!