Saturday, 28 November 2009

Reasons To Be Thankful ...

For Thanksgiving we had an American themed meal.

We also had to come dressed as something American.

So we had a Cincinnati Reds pitcher, Chief Sitting Turkey [smallpox infected blanket not pictured], 2 cowgirls [the tension between the cowgirls and the Chief was intense], a Desperate Housewife, a hula girl, The American Tourist and someone wearing pants with an elasticated waistband.

We watched some NFL, as I believe is trad at Thanksgiving.

Green Bay were ruining Detroit.

NFL is probably the most confusing sport I have ever seen. Why are there so many players? Why are so many of them obese? Actual fat bastards. Why does that gangly white man come on, kick the ball and then piss off back to the bench? How does anyone ever get injured playing this sport? The amount of padding/helmet wearing is ridic.

Dinner was a red, white and blue affair and was kicked off by the singing of the Star Spangled Banner.

At the head of the table was the guest of honour and leader of the free world, Barack Obama.

Sweet potato + marshmallow = the best of friends. Who knew?

And my fake turkey was delicious. And very round.

For dessert, Krispy Kreme mixed up the holidays. Things got a tad festive.

And we used our extra dessert stomachs for pumpkin pie and pecan pie.

I had never had pumpkin pie before - and it was not at all what I expected. It was much lighter and tasted a bit like an egg custard, that fine Northern dessert.

Slightly skew-whiff self timer portrait.

Barack insisted on taking a tour of the house. As on MTV cribs, he wanted to see what was in the fridge.

He invited himself upstairs.

Tried on Chan's dressing gown.

Played hide and seek.

And then he had to have a shower because he had got so over excited and sweaty during the vigorous hide and seek session.

Dubya would not approve.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Heroes & Villains

Heroes of the week:

1. The guy sat 2 rows in front of me at the Arctic Monkeys show last night.

You, Sir, rock. Hardcore.
I got more entertainment from watching you dance and attempt to take pictures whilst being sky high than I did from watching the actual band.
My favourite moves of yours were the Get-It-On style spirit fingers and the fact that you threw out the 'You rock!' devil horns during the slowest, most inappropriate parts of songs.
And you had a flowing mane of hair.
I also enjoyed the fact that the person stood next to you moved after about 6 songs because your dancing was too 'enthusiastic'.
I would give my left arm to see the pictures you took.
They could probably win the Turner Prize.

2. Matt Helders, drummer of the Arctic Monkeys

As with the Kings Of Leon, the drummer was by far the best band member.
His afro was astounding.

3. Belgians

For inventing the Belgian waffle.

4. Jacob Black/Taylor Lautner

For being so gosh darned hot in New Moon.
I would go and see Face Punch with you any day of the week.
And to quote the man himself, age is only a number.
It still feels a little creepy, though.

5. The hair and make up department on New Moon

Much improved.
The hair was much, much better.
And RPattz had a much less noticeable tide mark round the side of his face.

Villains of the week:

1. The Arctic Monkeys beer throwers

Beer in the arena costs £4 a pint.
Don't throw the liquid gold, dickheads.

2. The 12 year old emo I sat next to in New Moon

Please don't scream like it's 1989 and we are at a New Kids On The Block concert every time Edward appears on screen.

3. The New Moon special effects department

The sparkling does not look any better.
Trust me.

4. The first 150 pages of 'The Host' by Stephenie Meyer

You make it really hard to actually get into the book. Just FYI.

5. Having to work on Tuesday after drinking too much on Monday night

Pub quiz with free food and £1500 up for grabs led to the consumption of 3 bottles of wine.
And me sweating grape juice the following day at work. Bleurgh.

Most regrettable thing said whilst drunk this week:

"Yeah, I've been thinking about joining a gym"

Weirdo of the week:

The 60 year old man I spoke to on the phone at work who asked me if I wanted to meet him for coffee in Southport. He told me that he had been an alcoholic but he hadn't had a drink for 13 years, but he lives his life now the way he used to drink - "like a wildman". I was also told that he was divorced and his wife would take him back "in a second", but he didn't like her anymore. He told me that it was often said that he looked like Robert de Niro and that he may be coming up for 60, but there was nothing wrong with his libido. He actually said the word libido in a funny accent. He said that talking to me had made his day and that he liked my accent and "authoritative tone".

Make of that what you will.

Friday, 13 November 2009


This is what happens when you go out straight from work and then have to put yourself to bed at 10.00pm because you are so drunk.

Welcome to my life.

I ♥ the people I work with, but I don't ♥ my job.

I especially enjoy Lord Weaver and Mrs France, like the country.

King prawn rogan josh and 3 bottles of pinot grigio plus 2 pints of cider is always the answer.

No matter what the question is.

I have been pretty lax about updating lately - work is taking over my life. Boo.

But this is what I have been up to lately, not that anyone is interested.

I got a headstone at my desk at work for Halloween.

And yes, that is a brain on a hook and some severed limbs suspended from the ceiling in the background.

Just conducting some official government business. Whilst dressed as a bat.

Watching Green Day, again whilst dressed as a bat.

Instead of celebrating Bonfire Night in the traditional way, by burning a Catholic, I went to watch Muse in Liverpool.

Matt Bellamy wore some fetching purple pants.

And now Zoolander is on TV.

You're more dead to me than your dead mother.

I have just bought something off Ebay which will make Phina cry tears of joy on Thanksgiving.

Gotta love drunk purchases.

Thursday, 12 November 2009


Anyone who has used Amazon [and let's not all pretend that we only shop at independent, local, organic, fairtrade book co-operatives staffed by bearded hippies] to buy anything, gets a series of recommendations from all the information that they store about the items you have purchased.

What do these recommendations say about us as people?

Using myself as a guinea pig, because I am awesome like that, I shall endeavour to find out.

1. The Killing Fields DVD

I diagnosed myself as a sociopath based on an article in Real People magazine. This recommendation is really doing me no favours. I said that I owned The Deer Hunter on DVD. Which is true. Apparently Amazon cannot distinguish between the Vietnam war and the Khmer Rouge fucking up Cambodia. Similar, but crucially different.

2. Full Metal Jacket DVD

Recommended because I said that I owned Platoon. True story. This is painting a rather more violent picture of me than I would like ...

3. The Return Of The Native by Thomas Hardy

Oh sweet, sweet irony.

I studied this book for 2 years. Two years of my life I will never get back.

The Reddleman Diggory Venn, Eustacia Vye, Thomasin Yeobright and Wildeve are all indelibly branded into my skull.

I hate this book like I hate Bono. And that is a lot. This book is 400 pages of nothingness. Nothing happens on Egdon Heath. A lot of yokel dialect happens and it makes me hate Wessex a lot. And Wessex doesn't even exist.

The highlight of the two years was watching a ropey TV adaptation starring a then-still-Welsh Catherine Zeta Jones as Eustacia Vye with a thrown on Dorset accent so grating it could strip paint from walls.

4. The Exorcist DVD

Could this list make me look dodgier? I look like a Thomas Hardy survivalist enthusiast with a sideline in the demonic. No wonder I have no friends. I watched this film once and it bored me. The effects have not aged well. And as a child of the late 80s, I have already wasted enough of my life listening to Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells album thankyouverymuch.

5. The Crucible by Arthur Miller

I actually have a copy of this. I was going to write that I owned this but, technically, I stole my copy from the drama department of my high school. And those bastards deserved it. [Sociopathy 101: persistent stealing]

6. Euclid's Window: The Story of Geometry from Parallel Lines to Hyperspace

I think this is a book. I have no idea what the title is referring to. I don't like maths. I am clearly a massive nerd, though.

7. Songs Of Innocence And Experience by William Blake

Making myself look, somehow, even more like a serial killer.

8. Mrs Doubtfire DVD

What says fun like Robin Williams dressed up as a septegenarian Scottish woman with a meringue facemask and some fake tits?

9. To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

I don't like this recommendation because it makes me look like a feminist.

10. The John Candy Collection - includes Uncle Buck, The Great Outdoors, Brewster's Millions and The Blues Brothers.

I may purchase this. What a DVD. Uncle Buck is a bona fide classic.

11. Tinkerbell And The Lost Treasure DVD

I HATE Disney sequels/spin offs which are not Toy Story 2.

The Lion King 2? Fuck off.

12. Northern Wilderness: Bushcraft Of The Far North by Ray Mears

Lord Bushcraft himself. This is the companion book to the current BBC series where Sir Mears tries to survive in the arse end of nowhere in Canada.

It is not as good as the one where he was in the Canadian Rockies and hollowed out a canoe.

And he has yet to use his kindling pouch. Very disappointing.

13. Crazy Love by Michael Bublé

CBM loves The Boob.

As in she thinks they are going to get married, despite the fact that CBM has been married to Dickhead John for 35 years.

She adds her own name into his songs when we are forced to have them on in the car: 'I just haven't met you yet .... Carol!'

And she legitimately thinks he is Irish.

14. Tango In The Night by Fleetwood Mac

Already own this. On vinyl.

15. Twilight Soundtrack

8 more sleeps!!!!1!!1!!!1!!1!!!!

Even Amazon seems to confirm the fact that I am a sociopath.

With an unhealthy obsession with the dealings of Miss Swan and Mr Cullen. [Though we all know that Mr Black is where the hot's at.]

I will be sat in my lead lined bunker with Tubular Bells or The Mac playing in the background whilst watching Mrs Doubtfire and waiting for the world to end.

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Kill Me Now

This is what passes for primetime Saturday night entertainment in our great nation.

Jedward must be stopped.

They can't fucking sing.

End the madness now.


Monday, 2 November 2009

The Parking Pumpkin

There is a van which parks near our house.

It parks virtually on a junction.

It is the worst parking job ever.

And now a taxi has taken to parking behind it.


It is so dangerous.

When you turn left into the street, you are pretty much driving directly into the back of this hideously parked van.

On Halloween, after some wine, the Parking Pumpkin took direct action.

In the form of a sign.

A laminated sign.



The next day, at 11am, the sign - and the taxi - was gone.

Next step: a few anonymous phonecalls to that 0800 number.

Cue grainy audio ...