Monday, 20 September 2010

Nicholas Sparks Bingo

As part of The Reading Crusade, I have just read the entire Nicholas Sparks archive. They were on special offer, alright? Either I was suffering from deja vu, or a lot of the books were fairly similar. I have concocted a game of bingo for when you next read one of Mr Sparks' fine tomes.

Scorecards at the ready. Eyes down looking.

02 - a North Carolina location

62 - a 76 page long chapter where he waxes poetic in an attempt to be 'literary'

16 - main character is a 30-something single mother who is described as 'still smoking hot' or 'in great shape'

85 - male romantic lead mainly wears khaki pants or deck shoes without socks

24 - novel's only pop culture reference is to Pokemon cards [and the novel was first published in 2009]

77 - completely untelegraphed, patently ridiculous ending which occurs on page 320. The preceding 319 pages having given no sense that the novel was close to even ending, nevermind in such a paper thin, moronic fashion [Hello, Message In A Bottle]

53 - romantic lead's pursuit of main character could most accurately be described as 'stalkerish'

39 - the only actor you can picture playing the male lead is Kevin Costner circa 1992

60 - minor character has a ridiculous name like Cornflake Sweetshop

48 - a lingering sense that the author had spent 300 pages unravelling plot threads and then 14 pages and an epilogue tying them up

94 - the characters have gone out on a date and eaten fresh crabs and drawn butter

11 - couple have a deep and meaningful talk about their relationship and then one of them says something which no one on planet Earth has ever actually said - like 'Just hold me!'

87 - male character dresses up for a date and is described as wearing a 'sports jacket'. Whatever that is.

73 - a character feels something tighten. "She felt her stomach tighten" or "His throat tightened"

51 - character, who is a school teacher, can get a school day off whenever they feel like it to go to the beach or to wallow miserably in their bed

18 - character finds a message in a bottle and doesn't once reference the Police song of the same name

44 - the print is inordinately large

70 - the male romantic lead is an insufferable douche [I am talking about you, Mr A Walk To Remember] and has a truly odious personality

63 - the book is so poorly written and short, you are left confused by the actual ending. You strongly suspect she dies, but the last sentence is so ridiculous you are not quite sure

03 - Nobody has sex until at least page 200

38 - at the end of the book there is the first chapter of the next exciting Nicholas Sparks magnum opus

Anyone got a full house?


mer said...

I've never actually read a Nicholas Sparks novel, but now I'm seriously tempted...

Jess said...

I recommend Message In A Bottle for a full house.

Although At First Sight does have a character called Mayor Gherkin in it ...

Nicola said...

Hilarious, I'm not completely up to date with his books so will have to pop to the library and give the bingo a go! Having said that I still love his books... Although agree Message in a Bottle was a bit odd! But The Notebook? The Rescue? Brilliant stuff - am I not entitled to some romantic wallowing now and then?! ;) Oh and the ending of Walk to Remember was deliberately ambiguous according to his website (yes, I am that sad!)

Jess said...

Nic, his books are very much a guilty pleasure.

I'm glad you went on Sparks' website [so I don't have to] and found that out about a Walk To Remember. The ending just infuriated me. How ridic.

I also have only just realised that I read At First Sight and True Believer in the wrong order. And have only just noticed ...