Monday, 6 July 2009

100 Hottest Men List

So, the latest issue of Heat magazine has a list of the 100 'hottest' men. Being a perfect physical specimen myself, I feel like I am perfectly within my rights to judge these people.


100. Yoann Gourcuff
I don't know who you are. You also have a ridiculous name.

99. Shia Lebeouf
I don't like you. You also think that your mom is the "sexiest woman" you have ever met. "Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds."

98. Scott Maslen
I don't know who you are.

97. James May

I love Top Gear as much as the next non-driver. But, come on. Captain Slow?

96. Pierce Brosnan
Who has even thought about Pierce Brosnan lately?

95. Joe Jonas
JoBros. Oh you freaky, virginal, heavily eyebrowed siblings.
Would it be creepy if I turned up alone at your Manchester show? Yes. It would.

94. Russell Brand
I feel like I have got chlamydia from just typing your name.

93. Harry from McFly
Any fool know Dougie is the hot one in McFly.

92. Jamie Redknapp
Is it the late 90s again? Are you at Wembley in a white suit with David James and Macca and Fowler and the rest of the Spice Boys?

91. Barack Obama
World's hottest politician? Admittedly, the competition is not up to much.
And who would have thought that the readership of Heat magazine would be interested [however superficially] in politics? Not me.

90. Enrique Iglesias
Removing the mole, the source of all his power, was clearly an error. What has happened to his career?

89. Dustin Milligan
I don't know who you are.

88. Dave Annable

Dave Annable is hot. But loves his dog a bit too much.

87. Jeremy Clarkson

I am in a Facebook group called 'Jeremy Clarkson for Prime Minister' - don't tell me that I don't take politics seriously - but come on. For real. Clarkson is not hotter than Dave Annable. Jeez. He legitimately looks like someone's dad.

86. Josh Duhamel

I think you are married to Fergie but I am not sure.

85. Simon Cowell
What first attracted you to the multi-millionaire Simon Cowell? The glow-in-the-dark white teeth? The ludicrously high waistline? The MC Hammer flat top?

84. Viggo Mortensen
Looks dirty. In a hygiene sense.

83. Simon Baker
I don't know who you are.

82. Jackson Rathbone
Waaaaay hotter in real life than in Twilight. [Isn't everyone?] I think he is actually hotter than the other vampire brother who is Mr Abercrombie & Fitch or whatever.

81. Ryan Eggold
I don't know who you are. But you have a funny name.

80. Paul Walker
You could be my boyfriend as long as you did not attempt to speak. Or act.

79. Milo Ventimiglia
I don't know who you are. But your name sounds delicious.

78. Goran Visnjic
Bizarre. Has he done anything since ER?

77. Gordon Ramsay
No fucking way.

76. Eric Bana
Everyone should watch Chopper. What a movie. I often confuse him with Hugh Jackman. Probably because they are both Australian.

75. Gael Garcia Bernal
Twice as hot when Diego Luna is involved.

74. Jamie Lomas
Or not. Looks like a totally normal guy.

73. Chris Fountain

72. Gerard Butler
Hmm. 300 is a good perving film. The beard is off putting though.

71. Vin Diesel
Is this serious? For some reason, he reminds me of David Blaine. And that is not a good thing.

70. Tyson Ritter
I don't know who you are. But you are too thin.

69. Hugh Dancy
I like you because you are a nerd. And you played Daniel Deronda.

68. Jonas Armstrong
I don't know who you are.

67. Seann William Scott
You will always be Stifler. And Steve Stifler = douche. Imagine meeting the mother-in-law. The double n bothers me.

66. Ryan Gosling

What a total fucking disgrace. How can Noah Gosling only be number 66? Put down the crackpipe and vote for Ryan! It wasn't over, it still isn't over!

65. Paul Rudd

Mr Rudd is that guy who you always think 'why is he single?' but ultimately never want to go out with.

64. Elijah Wood
Gay, gay, gay.

63. Matthew Fox
You are on 'Lost' therefore, I must hate you. That show is the lamest, most long winded, least satisfying piece of junk on TV. What about the polar bear?!

62. Luke Wilson
Everyone's second favourite Wilson brother.

61. Jesse Metcalfe
By all accounts, Metcalfe is a total douche.

60. Dermot O'Leary
Totally asexual.

59. Colin Farrell
He looks filthy. In a grr way.

58. John Mayer
Do women really like a bastard? He was pretty funny on Chapelle's show.

57. Vincent Gallo
This is the strangest inclusion ever. How many readers of Heat magazine know who Vincent Gallo is? More than I would have thought, obviously.

56. Adrian Grenier
Ever since I saw Drive Me Crazy [in a cinema, people!], I have not really 'got' you. The main thing you have going in your favour is the fact that you are not Jeremy Piven.

55. James Franco

Total fucking disgrace number 2! Franco down at 55? How very dare you! He even made a moustache look good in Milk. That's no easy feat.

54. Dominic Cooper
Too orange and too boyband.

53. George Lamb
Too Nick Grimshaw.

52. Danny from McFly
Hahahaha! Danny, unzip your McFly!

51. Patrick Dempsey

50. Josh Holloway
No. The hair.

49. Jake Gyllenhaal
I like Gyllenhaal. Even if the relationship he has with his sister is slightly creepy.

48. Emile Hirsch

Emile Hirsch gets my seal of approval.

47. Cillian Murphy
Looks a bit wrong.

46. Penn Badgely
I don't know who you are. But your name sounds like an American university.

45. Mark Owen
If it was 1992, he would have been my number one.

44. Adam Brody
Generic TV guy.

43. Clive Owen
I don't get the obsession with Clive Owen.

42. Olivier Martinez
After what he did to Kylie?! Never!

41. Ricky Whittle
Looks like he loves himself.

40. Leonardo DiCaprio
Titanic, lest we forget.

39. Cam Gigandet
There is something a bit rawr about him as James in Twilight. I think it is because he is shirtless. It's definitely not the hair.

38. Jared Leto
Yes, he's good looking, but he looks like he would be a total dickhead. And his band is emo.

37. Gary Barlow
How the tides have turned! Gary the hottest member of Take That?! Barlow is the subject of an infamous dream I had where I went to a Take That concert, pushed my way to the front and started shouting that I was from 'near Frodsham' as though he would know who I was. I eat way too much cheese before bedtime.

36. Jason Statham
Literally looks like some bloke you would see in a pub.

35. Dougie from McFly
Show us your Poynter!

34. Ashley Banjo
Apparently he is one of the dancers who won Britain's Got Talent and put Susan Boyle in the nuthouse.

33. Ed Westwick
I don't know who you are, but you sound like Charles Dickens created you.

32. James McAvoy

Oh, the lovely Mr Tumnus. I like you because you are married to a normal woman and you do normal things and you are not all Hollywood and insane.

31. Cristiano Ronaldo

There is nothing right with this picture. And I type this as a Man Utd fan. Paris Hilton is welcome to you. Your tan is ridiculous. Melanoma is not the latest hot nightclub. Dick.

30. Orlando Bloom
My favourite type of tree. So, so, so, SO wooden.

29. Jensen Ackles
I don't know who you are. Your name sounds like the civilian alias of a superhero, though.

28. Ryan Phillippe
Look at you, all shiny and new post-divorce. Appearing in some alright films too. I so would.

27. Rupert Friend
I don't know who you are. You sound posh.

26. Danny Dyer
I'm a geezer, innit. Too council estate.

25. David Tennant
The good doctor himself. Gives good interview. A maybe.

24. Bryan Greenberg
I don't know who you are.

23. Jude Law
Just say no. Receding hairline denial. Looks like a misery arse. And he has stuck it in Sadie Frost. Eew.

22. Josh Hartnett
I am ambivalent towards Hartnett.

21. Christian Bale
Too serious. And can't open his mouth properly.

20. Chad Michael Murray
I don't know who you are. But the name Chad is amusing to me.

19. Kellan Lutz
Not as hot as Jasper in my opinion. Please feel free to keep taking your shirt off though.

18. Ryan Reynolds
Mr Johansson. Older than you would think.

17. Ashton Kutcher

16. Steve Jones
Too much of a manslag.

15. Will Smith
I cannot be the only person who has genuinely never looked at Will Smith in anything approaching a sexual fashion? Bizarre choice.

14. Wentworth Miller

13. Daniel Craig
Too miserable and serious looking. Kaz Lou, you've served him in the pharmacy - what drugs was he getting?!

12. David Beckham
His voice is ridiculous. And so is his wife. I saw Posh Spice in Manchester airport and she looked like a child. She was tiny.

11. Taylor Lautner

Is it me or is it hot in here? I feel like I should be signing a register every time I look at him. He's so young. Sigh.

10. Matthew McConnaughey
Put it away, McConnaughey. We've seen it all before.

9. Justin Timberlake
Britney must be kicking herself now. He knows that I think he was the real talent in N'Sync. Because I shouted it at him on the street in Montreal. Classy.

8. George Clooney
Does nothing for me.

7. Channing Tatum

Should be legally obliged to be shirtless.

6. Chace Crawford
I don't know who you are.

5. Hugh Jackman
Gay, gay, gay.

4. Zac Efron
The Prince of Eyebrows. So groomed. Troy Bolton, get your head in the game.

3. Brad Pitt
I don't get the whole Brad Pitt thing. He has never been a favourite of mine. And he sleeps soundly at night because of that fact.

2. Johnny Depp
Is it a sign of my ever increasing age that I find Johnny Depp increasingly attractive? I like the fact that he told Hollywood to get lost and lives in some chateau with Joe le Taxi.

1. Robert Pattinson

Oh RPattz. What are we to do with you? You are going to forever be mobbed by people who think Edward Cullen is a real person. People like me.


Val said...

Love your comments, I am sure they are better than any magazine could put out :)

Oh, and Cristiano Ronaldo (or whatever) - EW!

mer said...

Milo. Watch 'Heroes' where he is lame (but can fly) or 'Gilmour Girls' where you want to jump him even though he's a total jerk.

Taylor Lautner is FULL-OUT jail bait. I should have stalked him when they were filming New Moon a couple months ago. It was like 20 minutes down the road: I'm that lazy.

Jess said...

Cristiano Ronaldo is pretty disgusting - I just don't get it. He has recently taken to carrying around a man bag too. Not a good look.

And Mer, Taylor Lautner makes me feel like I should be wearing a grubby mac whilst driving a 'Free Candy' van filled with puppies and kittens to bundle him into the back of as soon as he leaves the school gates. I even would if he was wearing the Jacob Black fright wig.

I am a sick individual.

Nicola said...

It doesn't normally let me log in properly so just going to post anonymously haha.

I don't know who half of them are either. I myust be too old or too uncool.

None of the Top Gear men are sexy but I don't quite understand how May and Clarkson made it in over the Hamster... who did they bribe? Or are there just some sick women out there?

That pic of Taylor has to be photoshopped, right? The hips above his jeans look like they're from some porno shoot!(Not that I was looking too closely!) I'm still Team Edward though!!!

Rob Pattinson = the opposite of Jackson Rathbone - so much hotter in character than real life. And even hotter in Bluray!

Milo Ventimiliwhatsit is from Heroes. He was shagging Hayden Panetiwhatsit for a while.

Who tf is Jamie Lomas?

Russell Brand and Jude Law - lol, love these comments. Used to think Jude Law was ok til he fed his toddler ecstasy... hmmm kind of put me off him, then the fact that he went with Sienna Miller who is just plain irritating... ewwwww, he is a big no no!

Did Shia Lebeouf really say that about his mum? Is he trying to prove that he is a serious actor because he is a bit, like, weird? (You know how some people think they can only be actors if they are traumatised or quirky)

Luke Wilson ain't MY 2nd fave Wilson brother - he's by far the hottie of the family!

Gerard Butler - Mmmmmmmmmmm..... if you don't like the beard, try watching Phantom of the Opera. He unfortunately doesn't get his pecs out but he is just on the right side of creepy-kidnapping-murdering-stalker to be very very sexy! (Does that sound wrong?)

David Tennant- how can you even stop to think about it? One of the sexiest men on the planet. His name should legally be changed to MmmmmmmmDavidTennant. And one hell of an actor too.

Will Smith - don't understand this one. Maybe Heat magazine suddenly decided they had to be politically correct and stick some token ethnic minorities near the top. Same as Obama being there as the "Look, we are intelligent in the same way as Peaches and co from St Trinians" choice.

Christian Ronaldo = WHY? Can we stop having to look at him please???!

On the subject of orange Dominic Cooper is a no no for me simply cos of his resemblance to someone else... hmmm am I inadvertently calling someone's ex "boyband" here?

Jess said...

Nic, I want to wholeheartedly believe that the Taylor pic is not photoshopped. Not long til November New Moon *squee* now!

And Jamie Lomas is generic Hollyoaks bloke. He looks exactly like that description makes you think he would.

Tania said...

Entre Margens : Im from Portugal, country of Cristiano Ronaldo, he is so weird...

I really enjoyed your page, the comments are so funny... i loved hehe

Anonymous said...

Entre Margens : Im from Portugal, country of Cristiano Ronaldo, he is so weird...

I really enjoyed your page, the comments are so funny... i loved hehe

koolkatatattack1 said...

-channing is so hot and he also has a v and a nice body...

Anonymous said...

nice comments. though jensen ackles (supernatural), chad michael murras and bryan greenberg (one tree hill) and milo ventimiglia (gilmore girls) are definitely names you should know ;-)

ilovehotguys. said...

YOU ARE HILARIOUS! :) Taylor Lautner should've been #1 though. And R'Pattz #100.

(P.S. Check out Andrei Arshavin! <3)

Ashley said...

WTF! Robert Pattinson! Ewwwwww!! I hate him. Like for realy. Taylor is sooooo much better looking than him. Rob is definately not number 1

Dislike whoever said that! There are so many guys who are hotter than him. For sure.

Anonymous said...

Jeremy "Jezza" Clarkson should have been no.1. He's smart, honest, witty and sexy for his age. Not to mention the most interesting of the Top Gear Boys.

If you want better change here's someone you should vote.

Some say that he knows 2 facts about ducks and that both of them are wrong. And that he refused I'm a Celebrity, because he has a phobia of Ant & Dec.

All we know is, he's called The Stig and that he's the sexiest man in the world because nnobody knows his real identity.

Vote The Stig for sexiest man 2010!

Anonymous said...

i disagree with a lot of the people you think are hot. you gayshit.

Anonymous said...

I must declare that I love you. I've never laughed so many times while reading a random blog I stumbled upon ['while stalking Channing Tatum in an oh-so-creepy fashion' is the part that is left unsaid]. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

where is ryan sheckler? he's so damn hot!!

Kim said...

How old are you, 12???? You dont no half of those guys that are extremly popular and what the fuck is your obsession with twilight? Robert Pattinson is the worst actor ever and has no abs, whereas Tayor Lautners are fake and hes just plain childish looking.
For your information LOST id the most amaxing show ever and both Mattew Fox and Josh Holloway are fucking hot, so go blow urself!!!

Jess said...

Wow, "Kim". Your spelling and overuse of punctuation indicate to me that you probably are 12 years old.

That you feel the need to leave a comment like that on a stranger's blog about some flippant list of hot men (not even decided upon by me, but a magazine) tells me that you are somewhat of a douchebag.

I don't know half of those names because a) I work full time b) I leave the house occassionally and c) I don't spend all my time watching TV.

I am allowed to like Twilight in the same way that you are allowed to like Lost. We shall have to agree to diasgree about how shite (or not) the two things are.

Have a nice life.