Friday, 10 July 2009

Hamba Kahle!



I am leaving for the great African odyssey.

My extensive collection of tracksuit pants and supermarket value range clothing is getting an adventure.

No water, no electricity, no sanitation. We are going hardcore.

Headtorch hardcore.

I have started the malaria medication with the most side effects in the world and not died, so that is a bonus.

Most difficult packing decision?

Which books to take.

It was like Sophie's Choice.

What to wear to Mandela's 91st birthday party?

Tracksuit pants. The man favours comfort over style. Look at those shirts.

Or maybe don't.

How many times will I refer to the documentary Zulu starring Michael Caine?

How hideously sunburned will I manage to get?

Will Air France make us nearly miss our connection and lose our luggage? Again.

Will KLM manage to not have the engine fall out of their plane 3 hours into the flight? Again.

Will I ever get a vegetarian meal on a plane? Probably not.

Will the tent, which survived PEI and Green Gables, survive Isandlwana?

Which of my possessions will I break or lose first?

How many times will I poorly, and offensively, imitate the Seth Efrikan accent whilst quoting Lethal Weapon 2? ["Pyrotechnics", "Get me Riggs!", "DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!"]


Look at his little face. How could you ever put him in prison?

I'll be back ... whenever.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

This Is An Actual Television Show Broadcast On Actual Television ...


From my sick bed I was watching Channel 4 last night and they had on a new TV show hosted by the most excellent Charlie Brooker. [Read his TV reviews in The Guardian, they are excellent.]

One segment was about a TV show called Deadliest Warrior.

It is a show which simulates fights between people or groups to see who would win.

Some of the battles it has recreated include:

Apache vs. Gladiator
Viking vs. Samurai
Spartan vs. Ninja
Pirate vs. Knight
Yakuza vs. Mafia
Green Beret vs. Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs. Maori
William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu

And the grand finale:

The Taliban vs. The IRA.

The rivals both have different weapons in their arsenals.

The Taliban has a bayonet, a rocket launcher, an AK-47 and a land mine.
The IRA has a slingshot [WTF?!], a flamethrower, a semi-automatic rifle and a nail bomb.

The battle was hard fought. And contains some pretty graphic footage, so don't watch if you are squeamish or are afraid of poorly applied fake beards.



I will admit that I laughed out loud at the slingshot.

The cry of 'IRELAND!' was fairly offensive.

All in all, it looks like an insane show.

On the website, there is a quiz you can take to see what type of warrior you are.

I am a Samurai. I can live with that.

Samurai are badass.

Monday, 6 July 2009

100 Hottest Men List


So, the latest issue of Heat magazine has a list of the 100 'hottest' men. Being a perfect physical specimen myself, I feel like I am perfectly within my rights to judge these people.

Observe.

100. Yoann Gourcuff
I don't know who you are. You also have a ridiculous name.

99. Shia Lebeouf
I don't like you. You also think that your mom is the "sexiest woman" you have ever met. "Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother, as sick as that sounds."
Oedipus.

98. Scott Maslen
I don't know who you are.

97. James May


Seriously?
I love Top Gear as much as the next non-driver. But, come on. Captain Slow?

96. Pierce Brosnan
Who has even thought about Pierce Brosnan lately?

95. Joe Jonas
JoBros. Oh you freaky, virginal, heavily eyebrowed siblings.
Would it be creepy if I turned up alone at your Manchester show? Yes. It would.

94. Russell Brand
I feel like I have got chlamydia from just typing your name.

93. Harry from McFly
Any fool know Dougie is the hot one in McFly.

92. Jamie Redknapp
Is it the late 90s again? Are you at Wembley in a white suit with David James and Macca and Fowler and the rest of the Spice Boys?

91. Barack Obama
World's hottest politician? Admittedly, the competition is not up to much.
And who would have thought that the readership of Heat magazine would be interested [however superficially] in politics? Not me.

90. Enrique Iglesias
Removing the mole, the source of all his power, was clearly an error. What has happened to his career?

89. Dustin Milligan
I don't know who you are.

88. Dave Annable

Dave Annable is hot. But loves his dog a bit too much.

87. Jeremy Clarkson

I am in a Facebook group called 'Jeremy Clarkson for Prime Minister' - don't tell me that I don't take politics seriously - but come on. For real. Clarkson is not hotter than Dave Annable. Jeez. He legitimately looks like someone's dad.

86. Josh Duhamel

I think you are married to Fergie but I am not sure.

85. Simon Cowell
What first attracted you to the multi-millionaire Simon Cowell? The glow-in-the-dark white teeth? The ludicrously high waistline? The MC Hammer flat top?

84. Viggo Mortensen
Looks dirty. In a hygiene sense.

83. Simon Baker
I don't know who you are.

82. Jackson Rathbone
Waaaaay hotter in real life than in Twilight. [Isn't everyone?] I think he is actually hotter than the other vampire brother who is Mr Abercrombie & Fitch or whatever.

81. Ryan Eggold
I don't know who you are. But you have a funny name.

80. Paul Walker
You could be my boyfriend as long as you did not attempt to speak. Or act.

79. Milo Ventimiglia
I don't know who you are. But your name sounds delicious.

78. Goran Visnjic
Bizarre. Has he done anything since ER?

77. Gordon Ramsay
No fucking way.

76. Eric Bana
Everyone should watch Chopper. What a movie. I often confuse him with Hugh Jackman. Probably because they are both Australian.

75. Gael Garcia Bernal
Twice as hot when Diego Luna is involved.

74. Jamie Lomas
YOU LIVE IN WARRINGTON! THE WORLD's 74TH SEXIEST MAN LIVES IN THE SAME TOWN AS ME!
Or not. Looks like a totally normal guy.

73. Chris Fountain
No.

72. Gerard Butler
Hmm. 300 is a good perving film. The beard is off putting though.

71. Vin Diesel
Is this serious? For some reason, he reminds me of David Blaine. And that is not a good thing.

70. Tyson Ritter
I don't know who you are. But you are too thin.

69. Hugh Dancy
I like you because you are a nerd. And you played Daniel Deronda.

68. Jonas Armstrong
I don't know who you are.

67. Seann William Scott
You will always be Stifler. And Steve Stifler = douche. Imagine meeting the mother-in-law. The double n bothers me.

66. Ryan Gosling

What a total fucking disgrace. How can Noah Gosling only be number 66? Put down the crackpipe and vote for Ryan! It wasn't over, it still isn't over!

65. Paul Rudd

Mr Rudd is that guy who you always think 'why is he single?' but ultimately never want to go out with.

64. Elijah Wood
Gay, gay, gay.

63. Matthew Fox
You are on 'Lost' therefore, I must hate you. That show is the lamest, most long winded, least satisfying piece of junk on TV. What about the polar bear?!

62. Luke Wilson
Everyone's second favourite Wilson brother.

61. Jesse Metcalfe
By all accounts, Metcalfe is a total douche.

60. Dermot O'Leary
Totally asexual.

59. Colin Farrell
He looks filthy. In a grr way.

58. John Mayer
Do women really like a bastard? He was pretty funny on Chapelle's show.

57. Vincent Gallo
This is the strangest inclusion ever. How many readers of Heat magazine know who Vincent Gallo is? More than I would have thought, obviously.

56. Adrian Grenier
Ever since I saw Drive Me Crazy [in a cinema, people!], I have not really 'got' you. The main thing you have going in your favour is the fact that you are not Jeremy Piven.

55. James Franco


Total fucking disgrace number 2! Franco down at 55? How very dare you! He even made a moustache look good in Milk. That's no easy feat.

54. Dominic Cooper
Too orange and too boyband.

53. George Lamb
Too Nick Grimshaw.

52. Danny from McFly
Hahahaha! Danny, unzip your McFly!

51. Patrick Dempsey
McI'mInARidiculouslyCrapMedicalMelodrama

50. Josh Holloway
No. The hair.

49. Jake Gyllenhaal
I like Gyllenhaal. Even if the relationship he has with his sister is slightly creepy.

48. Emile Hirsch

Emile Hirsch gets my seal of approval.

47. Cillian Murphy
Looks a bit wrong.

46. Penn Badgely
I don't know who you are. But your name sounds like an American university.

45. Mark Owen
If it was 1992, he would have been my number one.

44. Adam Brody
Generic TV guy.

43. Clive Owen
I don't get the obsession with Clive Owen.

42. Olivier Martinez
After what he did to Kylie?! Never!

41. Ricky Whittle
Looks like he loves himself.

40. Leonardo DiCaprio
Titanic, lest we forget.

39. Cam Gigandet
There is something a bit rawr about him as James in Twilight. I think it is because he is shirtless. It's definitely not the hair.

38. Jared Leto
Yes, he's good looking, but he looks like he would be a total dickhead. And his band is emo.

37. Gary Barlow
How the tides have turned! Gary the hottest member of Take That?! Barlow is the subject of an infamous dream I had where I went to a Take That concert, pushed my way to the front and started shouting that I was from 'near Frodsham' as though he would know who I was. I eat way too much cheese before bedtime.

36. Jason Statham
Literally looks like some bloke you would see in a pub.

35. Dougie from McFly
Show us your Poynter!

34. Ashley Banjo
Apparently he is one of the dancers who won Britain's Got Talent and put Susan Boyle in the nuthouse.

33. Ed Westwick
I don't know who you are, but you sound like Charles Dickens created you.

32. James McAvoy

Oh, the lovely Mr Tumnus. I like you because you are married to a normal woman and you do normal things and you are not all Hollywood and insane.

31. Cristiano Ronaldo

There is nothing right with this picture. And I type this as a Man Utd fan. Paris Hilton is welcome to you. Your tan is ridiculous. Melanoma is not the latest hot nightclub. Dick.

30. Orlando Bloom
My favourite type of tree. So, so, so, SO wooden.

29. Jensen Ackles
I don't know who you are. Your name sounds like the civilian alias of a superhero, though.

28. Ryan Phillippe
Look at you, all shiny and new post-divorce. Appearing in some alright films too. I so would.

27. Rupert Friend
I don't know who you are. You sound posh.

26. Danny Dyer
I'm a geezer, innit. Too council estate.

25. David Tennant
The good doctor himself. Gives good interview. A maybe.

24. Bryan Greenberg
I don't know who you are.

23. Jude Law
Just say no. Receding hairline denial. Looks like a misery arse. And he has stuck it in Sadie Frost. Eew.

22. Josh Hartnett
I am ambivalent towards Hartnett.

21. Christian Bale
Too serious. And can't open his mouth properly.

20. Chad Michael Murray
I don't know who you are. But the name Chad is amusing to me.

19. Kellan Lutz
Not as hot as Jasper in my opinion. Please feel free to keep taking your shirt off though.


18. Ryan Reynolds
Mr Johansson. Older than you would think.

17. Ashton Kutcher
Meh.

16. Steve Jones
Too much of a manslag.

15. Will Smith
I cannot be the only person who has genuinely never looked at Will Smith in anything approaching a sexual fashion? Bizarre choice.

14. Wentworth Miller
Whatev.

13. Daniel Craig
Too miserable and serious looking. Kaz Lou, you've served him in the pharmacy - what drugs was he getting?!

12. David Beckham
His voice is ridiculous. And so is his wife. I saw Posh Spice in Manchester airport and she looked like a child. She was tiny.

11. Taylor Lautner

Is it me or is it hot in here? I feel like I should be signing a register every time I look at him. He's so young. Sigh.


10. Matthew McConnaughey
Put it away, McConnaughey. We've seen it all before.

9. Justin Timberlake
Britney must be kicking herself now. He knows that I think he was the real talent in N'Sync. Because I shouted it at him on the street in Montreal. Classy.

8. George Clooney
Does nothing for me.

7. Channing Tatum

Should be legally obliged to be shirtless.

6. Chace Crawford
I don't know who you are.

5. Hugh Jackman
Gay, gay, gay.

4. Zac Efron
The Prince of Eyebrows. So groomed. Troy Bolton, get your head in the game.

3. Brad Pitt
I don't get the whole Brad Pitt thing. He has never been a favourite of mine. And he sleeps soundly at night because of that fact.

2. Johnny Depp
Is it a sign of my ever increasing age that I find Johnny Depp increasingly attractive? I like the fact that he told Hollywood to get lost and lives in some chateau with Joe le Taxi.

1. Robert Pattinson

Oh RPattz. What are we to do with you? You are going to forever be mobbed by people who think Edward Cullen is a real person. People like me.


Sunday, 5 July 2009

Reading Crusade: A Quasi Success


I am currently on my book-a-week Reading Crusade.

Because I am made of win, in week one I successfully completed the Nicholas Sparks novel 'The Lucky One'.

Well done, Einstein.

Week two started out so full of promise.

I read the prologue of 'The Host' by Stephenie Meyer. [If you hadn't realised by now, the Reading Crusade is very high brow and mainly an intellectual challenge.]

Then, on day two, I got some pretty bad news and was sent home from work. The rest of the week has been spent in a state of suspended animation, waiting for something to happen one way or another and wasting time and energy by feeling sad.

I have also been busy at work doing my LMA. This is essentially a week long exam where everything you do is monitored and you are allowed to make 2 mistakes. I have to go on until Tuesday next week because of the time off I had. Boo.

It did lead to an interesting conversation with a Mrs Bunny Phoeuk - yes, that is pronounced the way you think it is. That has been recorded in the 'Funny Names' book. Whatever gets you through the day ...

Only The Stalker will appreciate what the LMA means and, if you are reading this, I will be emailing you loads next week to bitch about the person you sit next to. "Welcome to the pension centre" ... it's week 13 and you can't even answer the fucking phone properly!

*Breathes into the paper bag*

So those are my excuses, and I'm sticking to them.

Week three is a clean slate and I am going to re-start 'The Host'.

Weeks 4 & 5 should be pretty successful as I have 2 15-hour plane journeys to get through.