Sunday, 21 June 2009

Father's Day


Today is Father's Day. I went round to see my dad at 11.37am. By 11.50am we were no longer speaking to each other. Such is our level of familial disfunction.

I am more like my dad than I would care to admit. He has made me the emotional cripple that you know and love today.

Some fun facts about my dad:

1. He is known to myself, my mum and my brother as Dickhead John. This is because he is a) a dickhead and b) called John.

2. In 1989 he ran the London Marathon. As a reward for this magnificent achievement, he got to come into Good Work Assembly at school and hand out the badges to the good kids. How embarrassing.

3. When in Swaziland, he once got drunk, got in a canoe with a torch and went hunting for a crocodile in a lake.

4. He hates the French with a fiery passion. He even takes this as far as to stockpile French bottled water in the hope that France will experience a drought he has actively contributed to.

5. He lived in a caravan in a field in Kent for a whole year. As part of some geology thing.

6. I have hugged my dad up to 3 times in the past 10 years.

7. The most significant conversation I have ever had with him occurred in a restaurant in Toronto when he asked me when I was going to 'stop tooling around and do something with my life'. 4 years later, I'm still tooling. Jerk.

8. My dad was in South Africa on the day the country first got TV. In 1976.

9. Because of my dad, I have been forced to read Catch 22, Animal Farm and a lot of stuff about World War 2. I also know every Beatles, Cat Stevens, Carole King, The Who and Fleetwood Mac song ever. I have watched every John Wayne and Monty Python film, seen Zulu more times than I care to remember and have watched Blazing Saddles more times than is actually legal.

10. I am able to abuse a referee/umpire with complete confidence in football, rugby league, rugby union, cricket and tennis due to the many, many hours spent watching sport on TV with him.

11. Last year my dad was in Carcassonne, France [hypocrisy!] and got so drunk he was sick on a public bus. At 57 years old. My brother was with him and was mortified.

12. As a child, I was not allowed to watch ITV because he said it was 'for poor people'.

13. When we would play backyard cricket, he would bowl the ball at us at full speed and when he was batting he would fully thrash the ball . He never let us get him out so the game essentially consisted of us trying to get him out for hours and hours or until my mum would come out and have a go at him.

14. He has a joke which he only tells in Olympic years. Why do the Russians win so many Olympic gold medals? Because they are always Russian around. Rushin'? Geddit? Yeah, it's really unfunny.

15. When we would play Monopoly as children, if my mum bent the rules for us or slipped us kids some extra cash, he would have a tantrum and storm out of the room and say that he 'wasn't playing anymore' and that he wouldn't play with cheaters.

16. He has met The Rolling Stones.

17. Throughout my childhood he was obsessed with the immersion heater. We were only allowed to put the heater on if we were having a bath and he would need written confirmation of this 10 days in advance. We were only allowed the gas fire on in exceptional circumstances and, even then, only one bar. He also wouldn't allow the big light on until it was almost pitch black in the living room.

18. When filling in forms, he often rings me to ask me what my date of birth is.

19. He uses a teabag 3 times before throwing it out.

20. My dad was responsible for my near death by drowning. Whilst we were on holiday he wanted to take me down a water slide but I couldn't go down it with armbands on, so he took them off. We went down the water slide together, at the end he lets go of me, throws his arms in the air and starts going 'Wooooo! That was great!' etc etc. He gets out of the pool and walks over to my mum sitting by the side. My mum asks him where Jessica is. My dad says that he doesn't know. Jessica is on the bottom of the pool, being rescued by a lifeguard.

Father of the year.

3 comments:

Brian said...

But other than that he is OK then????

Jess said...

Yeah, other than that he is fine!

Val said...

gee, sounds pretty normally dysfunctional to me, and he has met the Rolling Stones. I have only seen the Stones from very far away in a football stadium!

Oh, and I am older than you, and still toolin' - can we use that as a slogan!