Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Things I Hate With A Fiery Passion


#1 The band Nickelback.


Nickelback were in Manchester this weekend. I feel nauseous to know that they were within a 16 mile radius of me.

Some people paid £273.50 for a ticket. For that amount of money, I hope the price included a sexual encounter with the band member of your choice.

Now that's an unpleasant mental image.

Why don't I like Nickelback?
Because I have fully functioning ears.

I hate this band because they are so teeth grindingly, arse clenchingly, God-fucking-awful.

Chad Kroeger [AKA Chad Turton] has hair like a spaniel's ear. What a goon.

His Wikipedia page is a goldmine of vandalism, so there are clearly some likeminded souls out there.

Potentially libellous edits [which appeal to my lewd and juvenile sense of humour] to The Turt's bio include:

"Chad Robert Kroeger [born Tits McGee] wants to be a rock star"

"Chad Turton's mother is of Finnish descent. His father was an Albanian Sheepgoat Horse"

"Chad Robert Dickbag was born in Douche, Alberta"

"Kroeger mainly plays Paul Smith guitars, but he also plays at being a poor man's Kurt Cobain"

"Chad Kroeger is a big fat pile of wank. And before becoming a musician he was a professional trampolinist"

"Chad Penishands Kroegermeister"

"His voice sounds like a cat in a blender"

"During his teenage years, he spent time in jail for stealing thousands of dollars from his school. Which wasn't as bad as the music he plays with Nickelback"

"It is debatable whether the noise produced by the band can be classed as music"

"The band's music is most commonly categorised as shit"

"Chad Kroeger is a joke of a human being"

And those are just back to February 2009.

Nickelback have sold 31 million records. Who is buying them? Who?!

The name of the band comes from one of the members - another Kroeger - [Gimme six! Inbreds.] when they worked at a Starbucks and gave people a nickel back in change. Wow.

Why should Starbucks be deprived of their employee of the month? I really wouldn't mind if you decided to return to your old job. Really.

Another reason to hate this band is the fact that their lyrics are so mind bendingly shite.

If you gave 1000 monkeys 1000 typewriters, they would be hard pushed to come up with something as cretinous.

The hideous call and response monstrosity, Rockstar, says how Chaddy boy would even change his name and cut his hair to become famous. Both of which he did.

I don't think Kroeger is clever enough to mean anything in an ironic, self effacing manner.

And the song also has the line: 'I'll have the quesadilla, ha ha'.

What the motherfuck?

And then there is the deep and meaningful:

'Look at this photograph,

Every time I do it makes me laugh,

How did our eyes get so red,

And what the hell is on Joey's head?'

The poetry.

And then there is the most excellent Animal.

'You're beside me on the seat,
Got your hand between my knees,
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze,
It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear,
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears,
By now, no doubt that we were heading south,
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth'

Love is alive.

The most epic of all their masterpieces, however, may be the utterly charming 'Something In Your Mouth':

'You're so much cooler when you never pull it out,
'Cause you look so much cuter,
With something in your mouth'

If I am in the same room as Chad Kroeger, the only thing I want in my mouth is a loaded gun.

I have watched this video many, many times. The satisfaction at the direct hit is immense. Whoever threw that rock, I salute you.



Coming next week!

Wet look leggings and why those who wear them should be executed by firing squad.

1 comment:

Nicola said...

I'm not actually that familiar with Nickelback and their music generally but I think the fact they advertise sofas just about says it all...