Wednesday, 6 May 2009


Today I unintentionally shoplifted.

And when I discovered it, I was pleased.
It saved me seven quid. Result.
Plus, Walmart can afford it.
My amorality makes the baby Jesus cry.

I got some baby clothes [!!!] for free.
'Baby's first theft!'
I probably could have claimed I was pregnant and got away with it.
One of the advantages of being fat.
Along with the ability to hibernate.

I had an accident in 3 clothes shops.
Money fell out of my hand and was replaced with clothing I don't need.
And why is everything in the sale the size of my ankle?

I ate some tablet.
Tablet is Scottish for fudge flavoured Kendal Mint Cake.
I had a flashback to kayaking on Lake Windermere and stopping to eat the emergency Kendal Mint Cake on that weird island which was crawling with tadpoles.
My teeth hurt.

I almost burst into tears at the sight of a lost dog poster which had been written by a child.
What are these things that I am feeling? Emo-whats?

Current favourite sandwich: M&S Wensleydale and carrot chutney.
Favourite thing eaten today: lollipop

Article read which makes me want to retreat to the lead lined bunker and never come out: Britain's fattest mum feeds her triplets McDonalds every day.
She thinks it's alright because she feeds them vegetables on a Sunday.
And she thinks she will be fine living on her own because she can use a microwave and make instant mash.

She feeds the babies McDonalds because she doesn't want them to be anorexic.
She weighs 40 stone. 560 pounds.
She says she is fat because she has a thyroid problem.
She consumes 3000 calories per day.
So unless the Big Mac is a gland ...

Things I bought with my first pay packet:
Theatre tickets for Saturday
The Cellist Of Sarajevo by Steven Galloway
I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith
The Sound And The Fury by William Faulkner

Things I will do whilst still in work:
Spin on my chair
Plough my way through some pretzels
Wish I were on holiday and/or it was Friday
Enter a competition to win a trip to the New Moon set in Vancouver to meet RPattz and to tell him that he is hOtTTtTttT1111!!!111!!!!! LOL!!!!!
Wish that the office were not hotter than the sun inside a greenhouse inside an oven wrapped in an electric blanket inside a sauna.

I am also highly upset by the fact that Afghanistan's only known pig, imaginatively called Pig, has been taken off display at the Kabul Zoo [!] because of swine flu fears.
He and his pig bride were gifts to Afghanistan from China.
His wife and their children were killed in a bear attack.
He had made friends with a goat.
I have made none of this up.


Gaz said...

If only you had shoplifted whilst unemployed. You'd have been living the dream of most of Merseyside and a fair few Wazzites.

I made that last word up.

Jessclub7 said...

I feel like a good way to decribe the fair people of Warrington would be Wazzocks.

But it would make me feel like I lived in an episode of Red Dwarf circa 1993.