Sunday, 17 May 2009

Girls Aloud III: The Live Spectacular


Look how close we sat to the stage! /sarcasm
I just cracked a bad html joke. Fuck my fucking life.

My relationship with Girls Aloud is a strange one.

As a concept, I should dislike them. They were formed on a reality TV show.
The other notable exception to this being The Clarkson.

Girls Aloud formed in 2002. 7 years ago. Wow. So even when they formed, I was 19. Old enough to know better. As part of Popstars: The Rivals, a boyband was also formed. The shockingly named One True Voice, who released a massive TWO singles before splitting up. One of those singles was the excruciating 'Shakespeare's Way With Words'. Sample lyric: 'If I had Shakespeare's way with words, I would write a sonnet, put your name upon it, in my heart I am a poet, don't know how to show it'.

I remember at the time there was a massive outcry when Javine Hylton didn't get into the band. And look at her now. The Aldi Jamelia. Incidentally, why would you leave Alesha Dixon for Javine? Like going from a palace to a slum. Men are stupid.

As much as I like Girls Aloud as a musical entity, I am not a fan of any of the individual members. I am genuinely uninterested in reading about their lives in the papers. I don't particularly like any of them. Even if Nicola Roberts is the one person in the world whose complexion is more corpse-in-a-river pale than mine.

Onto the show!

Girls Aloud fans are screamers. And by screamers, I mean morons.
A picture of Zac Efron on the big screen got a louder cheer than Nicola. Mwahaha. And the girl stood next to me was essentially giving me a lap dance for 2 hours. Invasion of personal space much? The strangest audience member was the middle aged man who came alone wearing a baseball cap. Perv.

And clearly I had missed the memo which stated that the dress code was Hairdressers Night Out.

Cheryl Tweedy Cole was cheered wildly whenever she did anything. She's so hot right now. She even makes having a conviction for racially aggravated assault sexy.

The opening act was a girl group called Girls Can't Catch. WTF. I was actually sick in my mouth when I heard that. And, no, that wasn't thanks to my friends Mr Pinot and Mr Grigio.
Girls Can't Catch. Bitches, please.

Girls Aloud entered on pedestals which came up through the floor and they were all wearing long floor length sparkly dresses and singing 'The Promise'. This tour was for the new album which I have never listened to and from what I heard, I am not exactly missing out. The album tracks they sang [which haven't been released as singles] were meh. The singles were killer, album tracks were filler.

Cheryl Cole actually got the only boo of the evening when she congratulated Man U on having won the Premiership. There's 2 teams in Manchester, love. Even if the best one did win.

Sarah Harding continued to perpetuate the myth that she is from Manchester. Last time I checked, Berkshire was not Manchester. For at least 200 miles anyway. Though she gamely performed almost the entire show wearing what looked like waders. Maybe she had come straight from fly fishing.

Nicola Roberts looked like Joan Crawford in 'Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?' and was the miserable bint she always is.

Nadine, bless you, every time you spoke into the microphone all I could hear was 'hurdy gurdy hurdy gurdy hurdy gurdy'. Your Northern Irish accent is totally indecipherable. You have killer legs though. And a really decent pair of boobs, which I had never noticed before. Moving on, now that I sound like a lesbian...

Kimberley Roberts may be my favourite member of Girls Aloud. Even if she is from Yorkshire. She is my favourite because she seems the most down to earth. And she is not constantly in the papers acting like a dick.

There was an awkward section where they went a bit dancehall and sang a song which had the lyrics 'gimme da ting, gimme da ting, gimme da ting ting ting' whilst wearing hoodies with the hoods up. Safe, blood.


They sang a cover of 'Broken Strings' by James Morrison and Woah Nelly which I slept right through. And a cover of 'Womanizer' by Miss Spears during which they rode around on their male dancers backs and such. It wasn't as good as the Britney versh though.

The singles that they performed were excellent though. Biology - what a song. Love Machine - classic. Something Kinda Ooh - essentially bollocks, but what well crafted pop bollocks. They didn't really perform any ballads, but that was fine by me.

The fact that I am mainly a fan of the singles, may explain why I didn't think that this tour was as good as the Greatest Hits tour. It may also have something to do with the fact that that tour had a Dirty Dancing hits medley in it. Oh, Patrick Sway-me. As Johnny Castle, not now.

They also had a flying stage thing going on a la McFly. So we got to see them a bit closer up as we were sat in the roof of the MEN arena.


Despite the impression the above may give, I did actually really enjoy it.

Even if G was suffering from vertigo [seriously, we were that high up] and felt sick. And Miss J made me laugh. She is such a veteran of the MEN, she knew that when you get a bottle of water they take the lid off you [presumably so you don't lob it in the face of Cheryl Cole] and proceeded to get a bottle top out of her bag and smugly paraded it in front of everyone. Me and G didn't suffer the same problem as you don't really need a lid on a pint.


Oh, and the salmon teriyaki soba at Wagamama [as mentioned in the 'Let The Right One In' post] is most excellent.

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