Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Twilight: The Movie

I am the owner of a 2 disc special edition Twilight DVD. There, I said it. Out loud. On Al Gore's interweb.

I have watched it a few times since getting said DVD. I try but I cannot restrain myself from providing a running commentary on the film. This commentary mainly consists of me sarcastically praising the special needs effects and then ranking my least favourite lines in order of the amount of physical cringe they cause me.

The main issue I have with the movie is the fact that the special effects look like I was the one put in charge of creating them. In other words, they look totally arse. The bit where they run up to the top of the mountain and Bella is on Edward's back? I am almost crippled with cringe at that point. The part in the meadow where they are in the sunlight? PATHETIC.

Bella: "It's like diamonds. You're beautiful"
Jess: "Actually, Bella love, it's more like cubic zirconia. From Elizabeth Duke."

Some of the dialogue is totally hideous [and Stephenie Meyer is mainly to blame for this]. "You're my own personal brand of heroin," makes me want to cut my own head off so I never have to hear it again. "Hold on spider monkey!" segues into a ridiculous tree climbing scene which makes me wonder why I even like these books.

And the Cullen's themselves look way less attractive as vampires than they do in *real* life.

If I had seen the film without having read the books, I would probably think that it was one of the worst films ever made. I would think that it was totally ridiculous.

In the baseball scene, I'm sorry, but could somebody please get Esme a hat which actually fits on her fucking head?! Is that too much to ask, Hollywood?!

Waylon Forge looks like a sexual predator fallen on hard times. And the one who killed Mischa Barton in the OC, playing James, has to somehow get around the fact that he has a dead rodent strapped to the back of his head. He deals with this admirably, however, by not wearing a shirt. Ever.

Robert Pattinson slips into a bit of an English accent when he is in the hospital after saving Bella from the runaway van. Incidentally, Bella is not as whiny, vapid and annoying on the big screen as she is in the book. That can only be A Good Thing. Stephenie Meyer does make her own, slightly smug, cameo in the diner. I am sure any criticism levelled at her by me will have her drying her eyes with $100 bills before swimming away through her pool of coins, Scrooge McDuck style.

The guy playing Eric is 28 years old. Playing a 17 year old. The guy playing Jacob is 16 and actual jailbait. Apart from in this picture, stealthily taken on the set of New Moon, where he appears to have 2 different haircuts at the same time. I feel like I have committed an offence even looking for a picture of him. Still, the 'research' excuse worked for Pete Townshend, didn't it?

And Edward's Volvo? I don't want him to have a zippy little silver affair. I want him to have a box-square-estate Volvo. The type of thing that your dad [wearing slippers and a dressing gown] would pick you up from the school disco in and which your mum would shout at him for when he got back and you claimed that your life was over and that you would never live this down and you broke out the classic: 'I hate you dad!' So I'd imagine anyway ... Moving on.

Some of the things in the movie are spot on though. Bella's dad, Charlie, is perfectly cast in my opinion. He brings some much needed humour into the film and Jacob's dad, Billy, does the same thing on a lesser scale. The scene in the greenhouse is one of my favourite parts. Edward trying to wheedle info out of Bella because he can't hear her thoughts and referencing Google. The scene in the restaurant in Port Angeles is pretty good too ["Money, sex, sex, money, cat?"] and Robert Pattinson is at his most good looking there.

I cannot explain why Twilight has such a hold on me. It's not particularly well written. The book is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors - and if I am picking up on this, you know they are glaringly obvious. Despite the impression this post gives, I actually really like Twilight.

Apart from Breaking Dawn. Look out for a future post entitled '1001 reasons to pulp all copies of Breaking Dawn'. And that would be narrowing it down.

Michael Sheen is going to be Aro in New Moon, which is good news. The most annoying, precocious, dead-behind-the-eyes child actor, Dakota Fanning, is also going to be in New Moon. What the Lord giveth ...

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