Thursday, 30 April 2009

Lesbians Love Pink

I am just back from seeing Pink in Liverpool. I have never seen so many lesbians in one place in my life. It was amazing.

I am really poor at photography - lets pretend that blurry = artistic.
Incidentally, Kaz thought the drummer looked like a fat version of Bee Gee Robin Gibb. She also referred to Bryan Adams in conversation as 'Brailleface'. Ha!

Pink put on a really good show I thought. She was so muscly though - she clearly has been doing a lot of stomach crunches or summat. She was ripped.

I am going to see Basement Jaxx tomorrow - good job we get Monday off work.
I am going to be knackered.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Books Books Books

In work today when I may, or may not, have been on the tinterweb when I should have been paying attention to something about unit trusts and share price indexes, I happened upon this list of the best children's books on the BBC website.

The lists were picked by some of the more recent Children's Laureates - Quentin Blake [+ Roald Dahl = childhood heaven], Anne Fine, Michael Morpurgo, Jacqueline Wilson and Michael Rosen.

Books I have read.

Quentin Blake picked:
1. Little Tim And The Brave Sea Captain by Edward Ardizzone
2. Rose Blanche by Ian McEwan
3. Five Children And It by E Nesbit
4. Stuart Little by EB White
5. The Box Of Delights by John Masefield

A number of Quentin Blake's choices appear to have been illustrated by ... Quentin Blake. Funny that. I remember watching the BBC adaptation of Five Children And It every week on CBBC as a child - wondering what the hell a Psammead actually was. As opposed to a midget in a rubber suit, obviously.

Anne Fine chose:
1. The Sword In The Stone by TH White
2. A Child's Garden Of Verses by Robert Louis Stevenson et al
3. The Wolves Of Willoughby Chase by Joan Aiken
4. Just William by Richmal Crompton
5. Journey To The River Sea by Eva Ibbotsen

I LOVE the Wolves of Willoughby Chase books. They are so effing good. Journey To The River Sea is also beyond awesome. I may be deported for admitting to having never read Just William. I feel so un-English.

Cool dude Michael Morpurgo picks:
1. Five Go To Smuggler's Top by Enid Blyton
2. Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
3. The Happy Prince by Michael MacLiammoir
4. Just So Stories by Rudyard Kipling
5. The Complete Nonsense Of Edward Lear by Edward Lear
6. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

What did my beloved CBM purchase for me only 2 weeks ago? A Famous Five ten book boxset you say? That's right. When I was a child I would have loved to have been out all day frolicking with the Five and Timmy the dog before rushing home to Aunt Fanny and Uncle Dick [!] for cake and lashings of ginger beer and to chatter excitedly in racist undertones about the gypsy children we had seen and suspected of being thieves. But I grew up in Warrington. And reality bites.

Oliver Twist I feel is a bit morbid for this list but I loves the musical. Even if Dickens The Musical! is ridiculous as a concept. My enjoyment of Edward Lear suffered because I read it shortly after Alice In Wonderland and a walrus is no match for playing croquet with a flamingo.

The slightly loathsome Jacqueline Wilson rates:
1. Ballet Shoes by Noel Streatfeild
2. A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett
3. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
4. The Railway Children by E Nesbit
5. The Family From One End Street by Eve Garnett
6. What Katy Did by Susan Coolidge
7. Mary Poppins by PL Travers

Oh, the Family From One End Street. A story about people who weren't princesses and who didn't live in mansions but who had fun none the less. Good, clean fun. I found my copy of What Katy Did only the other day and saw that a person I went to school with had given me it as a present and inscribed it for my seventh birthday. That person is now 26 and on their third child. How times change.

Michael Rosen puts down the crack pipe and selects:
1. Emil And The Detectives by Erich Kastner
2. Daz 4 Zoe by Robert Swindells
3. The Diary Of A Young Girl by Anne Frank
4. Not Now, Bernard by David McKee
5. Clown by Quentin Blake
6. Fairy Tales by Terry Jones

I actually read Emil And The Detectives in German, back in the day when that was a possibility. I read it to warm me up to for Kafka auf Deutsch. Trying to read Kafka after this was the equivalent of a pulled hamstring. Very painful.

I remember going to sit on the carpet at school to go and listen to Not Now, Bernard being read to us and the entire class shouting 'NOT NOW, BERNARD!' at the appropriate time. David McKee is also responsible for King Rollo and Mr Benn - a large part of my childhood, then.

Daz 4 Zoe. This book should never be read by anyone. Ever. It is a rip off of Romeo & Juliet [one of Shakespeare's worst plays] and instead of Capulets and Montagues, it has subbies and chippys. It is terrible. Daz's sections are written in dialect and hideously misspelled and plebby. It is like reading a book entirely written in textspeak. Millions of trees died so this book could be published. And they really shouldn't have bothered.

Oh, and look who else likes reading! Bob the literary cat who looks a bit like Hitler, especially if you stand quite far away and squint. He has a Harry Potter bookmark.

Monday, 27 April 2009

Ghost Train

On Saturday I went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach - the world's most pervily named theme park.

I went on the ghost train and filmed my experience. It is one of the lamest ghost trains ever.

You will have to watch the vid in HQ or it will all just look black.

Observe as I:

A) Sound like a man
B) Sound like I am from Yorkshire
C) Am genuinely scared at one point
D) Spend my time sarcastically screaming

Friday, 24 April 2009

Something For The Weekend

This weekend will be spent in sunny Cesspool Blackpool.

It will involve rollercoasters like this exact one.

It will also involve drag queens. For serious.

And lots and lots of binge drinking.

All whilst dressed like this.

I will be answering to the name of Jessi James.

Good times.

Freedom Road: Hadley's Otel

*Drunkblog. You probably should examine your life if you are pregaming going to the theatre. Tonight I saw the first part of His Dark Materials at the [Mike] Lowry. Spot the gratuitous Bad Boys reference. The daemons were really well done with puppets [I am aware of how ridiculous that sentence sounds, but trust me, they looked OK] and I particularly enjoyed the fact that Roger was played by a fat 40 year old man. Fra Pavel was hamming it up to almost Rickman-as-Sheriff-Of-Nottingham levels. It ended as Will became the bearer of the Subtle Knife. So I am back tomorrow for part deux. Coming up soon is the part featuring Pan which made me cry when I was reading the book in the bath. And today at work I raced the lift from the ground floor to the fourth floor - AND WON! 8 flights of stairs. In your face, elevator. I couldn't breathe for an hour afterwards, but I won fair and square. And tomorrow is Friday which means Cake Club. I think I am going to have a gingerbread man. And that is all I had and then I went to bed. Newsbookblog!*

Day Seven - Yellowstone National Park

Today we had to drive through Idaho to get to Wyoming for Jellystone National Park. Idaho seems to think that being famous for potatoes is something which should be publicised, rather than something which should be a source of shame. We encountered a man at a gas station who had the air of a killer about him. He said he would "be a lot more personable if he didn't have problems". I am still surprised that that sentence did not end with someone being talked down from a roof or the words 'and then he turned the gun on himself'.

Chad is smarter than the average bear

The day also marked my second attempt at driving a car, foolishly through the Grand Tetons. Jo seemed to really object when I was doing 60 in a 20mph zone on a narrow and windy 10% gradient mountain road. Spoilsport. I also had a problem operating the indicators on the car. I put the left signal on, changed lanes, went to turn it off but ended up putting the right indicator on instead. Repeat at least 15 times and you get a passenger laughing hysterically.

Ye Olde Faithful

We had some more McDonalds for lunch in Jackson's Hole. We arrived in Yellowstone and immediately went to see Old Faithful, which was conveniently going off as we were approaching. It was pretty impressive. There was also a lot of other geothermal activity in the immediate area - other geysers and pools of strange water which were boiling hot or hideously acidic - and we had a wander around it all. And maybe we broke some of the park rules. Definitely maybe.

The whole place stank, unsurprisingly, of sulphur. As we were leaving the Old Faithful area, we happened to drive through a herd of buffalo. This was the first really impressive wildlife we had seen since the bear in Yosemite. We had a bit more of a drive around and we saw loads of cars pulled over to the side of the road - a sure sign there is wildlife in the vicinity. So we get out of Chad and wander over to gawk at whatever is mooching by the road. If I am honest, I couldn't really see anything. So we approached a guy looking through some binoculars and asked him what he was looking at. He told us he was watching a wolf. Now, by this point, I could see what everyone was looking at. It looked like a scabby dog. It was most def not a wolf. My theory was, and is, that it was a coyote.

Blatantly not a wolf

I do not have the words to describe how awesome Yellowstone is. All I can say is go visit it before the supervolcano erupts and destroys us all. Or at least watch the most excellent recent BBC nature programme. 'Twas amazing.

By this point it was sunset and we had a last stop to look at some deer by a river before finding our way to West Yellowstone, where we were staying for the night. We had a sing-a-long to 'Always' by Bon Jovi, we were in very good moods. We had to find our accommodation for the night. We pulled up to Hadley's Otel (the 'm' on the sign had given up on life).

5 star

Now, Hadley's was the type of place that I have only previously seen referred to as 'Exhibit A', 'the murder scene' or 'the place where the victims' bodies were discovered'. The owner was actually wearing dungarees. And not in a it's-the-early-90s-and-Blossom-is-wearing-them-so-I-will-too way. In a 2008 way.

Murder scene anyone?

The room looked like your dad's garage, right down to the attractive breeze block feature walls. There was straw hanging out of the ceiling. There was a tool bench attached to the wall for use as a desk. The curtains looked like an oil rag. The bathroom was the size of a phone box. Literally. The door came off in Jo's hand. I cried tears. Some of them of laughter.

Tripadvisor throws up some really mixed reviews. 'Dirty and bad' - agreed. 'Liked: free wireless' - hang on. They don't have a door on the bathroom, but they have wireless internet. Go figure. 'The manager is deranged' - hell yeah! 'I went there on my honeymoon' - I really hope that marriage ended in a hideous divorce.

Mmm. Nice bathroom.

We sat in the room and ate pizza and watched baseball.

Living the American Dream in some dude's garage.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

A Review Of 'Knowing' Starring Nicolas Cage's Hair


Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Home Town Glory

The infamous Sky news report.

The media became obsessed with Warrington about a year ago when a guy called Garry Newlove was murdered by some drunk teenagers outside his home. This happened less than 5 minutes from my house, in a place which I had walked past many, many times. In my opinion, the area is not unsafe but it was made out to be a ghetto on TV and in the papers.

The above video was released at the peak of the hysteria and led to a national debate about binge drinking. An article accompanied the vid - snappily titled 'Drinking On A Night Out In Warrington: Drunks, Fighting And Arrests'.

Now, I am not a fan of Warrington by any means but the hysteria, and this article in particular, are ridiculously overhyping a problem which EVERY British town has.

"At least six separate battles are going on - men on men, girls on girls, girls on boys and so on. In the middle, a silver-haired woman, probably in her mid-60s, is lying motionless in the road."

"At the time we didn't realise this was a fight about a taxi. An elderly couple apparently tried to jump the queue in front of a young couple. There was pushing from both sides and the lady was knocked to the ground. That's when the others joined in."

"Warrington has great nightlife and it is really good fun. It is compact, there are dozens of bars, there are loads of young girls and boys and the booze is cheap - ridiculously cheap. At one bar we went to every drink was £1.50 - any drink."

'"This is a quiet night and we have had multiple arrests, two serious assaults, lots of fights and virtually everyone you see would actually fail the basic law that says it is illegal to be intoxicated in a public place," Inspector Richard Spedding, in charge of the overnight team, told me."

"In one four-hour period I did not meet one single person who was sober.
Most could not actually speak."

Some points:

1. What is a couple, described as being in their mid-60s, doing in Warrington town centre at 2.30am? Go to bed, old people!

2. No matter where you are, if you jump a taxi queue at 2.30am you are going to get punched.

3. The old couple were in the wrong - they were the queue jumpers!

4. If Warrington has a great nightlife, I have never witnessed it.

5. Every drink for £1.50 is in Level.

6. You don't wanna be sober in Warrington at night!

7. I know one person in that video. The nationally televised shame.

8. How funny is the guy claiming that he has 'never been in trouble with the police' whilst being put into the back of a van? Pull the other one mate, it's got bells on.

9. I have never witnessed a fight in Warrington town centre. I have seen a fight in Stockton Heath [average house price £450,000], the posh part of Warrington - if such a place is not an oxymoron. Or Narnia.

10. A whole article without a mention of the IRA bombing.

Rick Astley is from here. As is professional train wreck [and 2 time mother of the year] Kerry Katona. Radiator botherer Terry Waite calls Warrington 'home'. As does Padgate Pete Postlethwaite. Tim Curry was born here - Dr Frank N. Furter himself. We have the UK's first Ikea and the largest Marks & Spencer outside of London. And you may get assaulted.

Visit Warrington!

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Freedom Road: Bringing Class To America One Wendy's Bathroom At A Time

Day Six - Las Vegas & Salt Lake City

After getting home hammered at stupid o'clock and previously not having much sleep because of jet lag and the nerd convention attendees in the room next door telling each other blatant lies about their sexcapades in extremely graphic detail the night before [all I am saying is that probably less than 1% of the women they were talking about were not inflatable], we were again woken by housekeeping at midday.

Check out was 11am.

We copped out by just putting our door key in the postbox thing. I kept one and it is covered in strippers from Fantasy "the Strip's most seductive topless show". The real-to-fake-boob ratio is probably 40:60. And the potential Shemale factor is 2 out of 10.

The morning after, when I saw these stamps from the bar, my intial thought was 'Oh fuck. We didn't get tattoos did we?'

The hangover was immense. I felt pretty bad - the only reason I wasn't feeling as bad as I should have been was because I was probably still too drunk to be fully hungover. We had a 7 hour drive to get to Salt Lake City ahead of us. It was not going to be pretty.

Home is never far away. Even in Arizona.

We set off and I proceeded to ask the moron question for the day - 'Why are all the flags at half mast? What day is it?' It was September 11th. That's why, jackass. Incidentally, does any country in the world enjoy a flag as much as America? They are everywhere. Patriotism is most un-English so maybe that's why I don't get it.

Jo was feeling way more hungover than I was so we pulled over at a Wendy's somewhere in Bumfuck, Arizona [we would also end up in Bumfuck, South Dakota with some more fast food fun]. Now Jo loves a JBC from Wendy's. I, being a herbivore, was reduced to eating something made of potato and deep fried. Again.

Telling myself that fries and ketchup could technically be counted as healthy for being essentially derived from potato and tomato, was not exactly a resounding success. In my travel diary, I have written: "Feel like I am going to die from lack of real food". And this is only on day six. To think that I always object when my mother accuses me of being dramatic. How very dare she!

Anyway, we were in Wendy's. Jo couldn't eat the JBC because she felt sick. The next minute she is in the bathroom trying to make herself sick so she will 'feel better'. In my opinion, Americans seem to have the impression that British people are reserved and dare I say, a bit posh. Myself and Jo were single handedly dispelling this myth, one Wendy's bathroom at a time.

Then something monumental happened. In the Wendy's car park. I got behind the wheel of a car. For the first time in 7 years. I passed my driving test when I was 18, and had never driven since. Until September 11th 2008. Getting onto the I-Whatever was pretty difficult as I had to remember to drive on the other side of the road, had to remember that I was the one in control of the car and had to remember not to kill anyone. The triple threat.

Once I was actually on the freeway, or whatever it technically was, I had to overtake another car pretty soon. I was a bit nervous about doing this. I sucked it up though and did it. Because I have no concept of distance - the reason why I don't so much park the car, as abandon it - I ended up pulling back in front of the other car a bit too soon. But nobody died.

A feature of my driving throughout the trip was my tendency to really favour the left hand side of the road. Probably because in England we drive on the left. Many a conversation sounded like this:

Me: [Panicked voice] Oh my God. Jo! What's that noise?!

Jo: You're driving on the hard shoulder again.

Me: Oh, thank Christ.

[Does nothing to adjust the position of the car]

All I can say is, thank Allah that Chad the Volvo was an automatic. No way could I have driven if I had to contend with changing gears or stalling the car every 2.5 metres. It felt like I was driving a golf cart. Admittedly, a sophisticated Swedish golf cart with full leather interior, climate control and 4 beverage holders, but a golf cart none the less. The wonderful invention that is cruise control, made things a lot easier too. My driving instructor did not call me Leadfoot for no reason. And on quiet stretches of road you could play the 'Look! No Hands, No Feet!' driving game.

I think my driving was a cause for concern for Jo. Though I sometimes couldn't hear what she was saying because of all the screaming and crying. I don't think my driving really improved on the trip. The danger factor certainly never lessened.

The long and winding road through Utah

One of the greatest things about America is the size and variety of the roadkill. You just do not get roadkill on any decent scale in GB. Skunk was amazing. You would not see anything in the road, but then the car would suddenly stink for about 5 minutes. The roadkill that we saw included many, many deer, rabbits, birds, a groundhog, hundreds of skunks, a wild turkey and a dog near Fresno :(

Some of the deer were literally still whole but had a perfect tyre track running through the middle of them and required a change of lanes because they would have seriously damaged Chad's good Volvo self. Pennsylvania was a real disappointment in terms of roadkill. We had heard that it was the top roadkill state and expected great deer-related things. It did not deliver. Spot-The-Roadkill was a good way of passing the time whilst in the car.

When we got to Salt Lake and checked into a generic chain motel place, we were in a new time zone - the excellent sounding Mountain Time. Jo was informed by her friend that Mormon's don't like the idea of caffeine, so there are hardly any decent coffee places in Salt Lake. Getting a driving licence also used to require 2 character references from people saying that you were a 'good' person. Living in Salt Lake City would probably make me feel like a cult member.

Early to bed, we needed to be up to get to Yellowstone the next day. Old Faithful here we come ...

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Things I Just Plain LOVE

Sitting outside on a sunny day and eating a massive dessert!

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

52 days ...

Until I go to Old Trafford and see this guy:

Dear Argentina,

I'll give you the Islas Malvinas. You give me Juan Martin Hernandez. Deal?


Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Twilight: The Movie

I am the owner of a 2 disc special edition Twilight DVD. There, I said it. Out loud. On Al Gore's interweb.

I have watched it a few times since getting said DVD. I try but I cannot restrain myself from providing a running commentary on the film. This commentary mainly consists of me sarcastically praising the special needs effects and then ranking my least favourite lines in order of the amount of physical cringe they cause me.

The main issue I have with the movie is the fact that the special effects look like I was the one put in charge of creating them. In other words, they look totally arse. The bit where they run up to the top of the mountain and Bella is on Edward's back? I am almost crippled with cringe at that point. The part in the meadow where they are in the sunlight? PATHETIC.

Bella: "It's like diamonds. You're beautiful"
Jess: "Actually, Bella love, it's more like cubic zirconia. From Elizabeth Duke."

Some of the dialogue is totally hideous [and Stephenie Meyer is mainly to blame for this]. "You're my own personal brand of heroin," makes me want to cut my own head off so I never have to hear it again. "Hold on spider monkey!" segues into a ridiculous tree climbing scene which makes me wonder why I even like these books.

And the Cullen's themselves look way less attractive as vampires than they do in *real* life.

If I had seen the film without having read the books, I would probably think that it was one of the worst films ever made. I would think that it was totally ridiculous.

In the baseball scene, I'm sorry, but could somebody please get Esme a hat which actually fits on her fucking head?! Is that too much to ask, Hollywood?!

Waylon Forge looks like a sexual predator fallen on hard times. And the one who killed Mischa Barton in the OC, playing James, has to somehow get around the fact that he has a dead rodent strapped to the back of his head. He deals with this admirably, however, by not wearing a shirt. Ever.

Robert Pattinson slips into a bit of an English accent when he is in the hospital after saving Bella from the runaway van. Incidentally, Bella is not as whiny, vapid and annoying on the big screen as she is in the book. That can only be A Good Thing. Stephenie Meyer does make her own, slightly smug, cameo in the diner. I am sure any criticism levelled at her by me will have her drying her eyes with $100 bills before swimming away through her pool of coins, Scrooge McDuck style.

The guy playing Eric is 28 years old. Playing a 17 year old. The guy playing Jacob is 16 and actual jailbait. Apart from in this picture, stealthily taken on the set of New Moon, where he appears to have 2 different haircuts at the same time. I feel like I have committed an offence even looking for a picture of him. Still, the 'research' excuse worked for Pete Townshend, didn't it?

And Edward's Volvo? I don't want him to have a zippy little silver affair. I want him to have a box-square-estate Volvo. The type of thing that your dad [wearing slippers and a dressing gown] would pick you up from the school disco in and which your mum would shout at him for when he got back and you claimed that your life was over and that you would never live this down and you broke out the classic: 'I hate you dad!' So I'd imagine anyway ... Moving on.

Some of the things in the movie are spot on though. Bella's dad, Charlie, is perfectly cast in my opinion. He brings some much needed humour into the film and Jacob's dad, Billy, does the same thing on a lesser scale. The scene in the greenhouse is one of my favourite parts. Edward trying to wheedle info out of Bella because he can't hear her thoughts and referencing Google. The scene in the restaurant in Port Angeles is pretty good too ["Money, sex, sex, money, cat?"] and Robert Pattinson is at his most good looking there.

I cannot explain why Twilight has such a hold on me. It's not particularly well written. The book is riddled with spelling and grammatical errors - and if I am picking up on this, you know they are glaringly obvious. Despite the impression this post gives, I actually really like Twilight.

Apart from Breaking Dawn. Look out for a future post entitled '1001 reasons to pulp all copies of Breaking Dawn'. And that would be narrowing it down.

Michael Sheen is going to be Aro in New Moon, which is good news. The most annoying, precocious, dead-behind-the-eyes child actor, Dakota Fanning, is also going to be in New Moon. What the Lord giveth ...

Monday, 13 April 2009

Jesus Died For This?

Easter nests!

What a week. First one of my new responsible life. It was not so bad.
Why the working week must be 5 days long though I don't know. The Roman Empire was built on a 3 day working week and that was alright, wasn't it? That's probably why Rome wasn't built in a day though ... [I hate myself more than I ever thought possible for that gag.]

On Saturday, I laughed in the face of terrorism and went to the Printworks in Manchester on the very day it was supposed to be bombed [along with the Arndale, Birdcage and Trafford Centre]. There were no visible police officers or owt. There were a lot of emo teenagers though. Make of that what you will.

How dare someone loosely affiliated with Al Qaeda attempt to bomb the visual monstrosity that is the Arndale Centre. The IRA have already proven that 70s architecture is virtually indestructible. Give it up already.

As for the Trafford Centre, as the above picture clearly shows, what is so Western and decadent about that place? Jeez. I prefer to think of it as the subtle and understated shopping paradise that it *clearly* is.

I watched a strange film at the Printworks. It was called 'Let The Right One In' and it is a Swedish film about vampires. Hey, come back! I've not finished telling you about it! I can't really explain the storyline as there wasn't one, per se. It was quite atmospheric and there were some parts where I couldn't look at the screen because I am pathetic with scary or jumpy parts in films. Swedish is a fairly hilarious language too, by all accounts. I wasn't bored for one minute of the film, maybe because I had to concentrate to read the subtitles, which is a bit strange because I am still not sure if I particularly liked it or not. I am still thinking about it 3 days later though.

Then Wagamama for some katsu curry and to lament my lack of ability with chopsticks. The shame of having to use a fork. Next time I go, remind me that I am going to try the teriyaki salmon.

Saturday day, I finally bought a cowboy hat. It is bright pink and has a silver sequin trim. It also, for reasons unknown, has a tiara on the front in silver and red and green diamante. It is uber classy, whichever way you look at it. And it was a bargainous £1.79.

On Easter Sunday, we had to get up at stupid o'clock to go and watch the 5 mile Run The Bridge in Widnes. Parts of Widnes actually looked quite nice, something I have never witnessed before. I was out of breath just watching people run past me. Rob came in in 31 minutes - and was only beaten by 2 girls. Elly finished in 40ish minutes and Kaz and Phina were back in an hour. I was most proud of them all.

Mango, the 184 Easter Bunny, had got us all some eggs! Chocolate. Mmmm. Chocolate. And then we watched the new Doctor Who.

Mango is the world's largest rabbit.

She hid an egg in the scales

And near Mr Salt & Mrs Pepper

And in the elephant's trunk.

And in the telly speaker

And with the boring normal eggs.

And on my bookcase.
US History For Dummies - what a book.

And to finish, a random picture of some gammon [which kinda looks like a seahorse]. As requested.

Oh and CBM sent me the world's funniest text - "I've just made Cup A Soup in a bowl". This will only be funny to you if you watched the Royle Family Christmas special. So quite a specific joke, then.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Watch This Fire Spread

So I said I would post this video:

Some of us may recognise Mr Rob Savin, trumpeter extraordinaire. And 3rd girl home in today's 5 mile Run The Bridge. Good work, sir.

I'm off to hunt for Easter eggs!

Friday, 10 April 2009

What's In The Bag?

Labouring under the misguided notion that this blog is in anyway useful, worthwhile or interesting, I am going to plough on with my randomness regardless. As well as the arrogant thought that anyone is either reading or finding it in any way a pleasant experience. Moving on.

I have a gold bag. It is real leather - a rarity for me as I am too cheap to buy anything of 'quality' and can usually be found with the vegans in Primark amongst the pleathery goodness. It is from Accessorize. It was not in the sale. *Waits for the collective gasp to die down*. It is probably the most expensive bag I have ever bought.

I recently decided that I would have to sort out some of the junk in the bag as I may start using it for work. It revealed my packrat tendencies in all their glory. Very Mr Trebus.

Here is what was in the bag:

  • 3x Kings Of Leon tickets for the MEN Arena

  • Ear plugs [I think I got these on a plane]

  • An Air France moist towelette

  • 3D glasses

  • Sunglasses [Just what you need in the north, in winter]

  • The Mummy 3 cinema ticket

  • Journey To The Centre Of The Earth 3D cinema ticket

  • Superdrug receipt for hairgrips

  • 7-Eleven plastic bag [Bought in Stockholm for £1.50. One.Pound.Fifty]

  • Pirates Of The Caribbean 3 cinema ticket [I clearly have horrible taste in films. Note how there are no tickets from any of the arthouse/subtitled films I watch. They must be in my other bag. Cough.]

  • Umbrella

  • Ikea pencil [Warrington was the first place in the UK to get an Ikea. As told to me by Phina, via Stuart Maconie]

  • Pen stolen from the Holiday Inn, Cranberry Township, Pennsylvania

  • West Side Story ticket for The Lowry

  • Cinema ticket for High School Musical 3

  • The paper part of my driving licence [Good job I found this]

  • A straw

  • Hairbrush

  • Dark Knight IMAX ticket

  • 2x tickets for Twilight

  • New Look receipt for clothes worth £46 [2 tops, 1 dress]

  • Receipt from Borders, Wisconsin for New Moon, Eclipse, banana bread and an oatmeal raisin cookie

  • 5x tickets for McFly at the MEN Arena

  • Boots The Chemist receipt for hairspray and deodorant

  • Return train ticket from Manchester stations to Birchwood [£2.95 - why is it not that cheap on weekdays?!]

  • Air France headphones

  • Tissues

  • NWA sleeping mask [The airline, not Dr Dre's rap posse. Fuck tha police]

  • Padlock with keys on a Scooby Doo keyring [Slightly disturbing find]

  • 2GB Kodak SD card [Brand new]

  • 'Discover Alcatraz' guidebook

  • Panadol

  • Crossword book

  • No More Nails receipt [I bought this as a present for my mum. Seriously.]

  • USA visa waiver form which I managed to fuck up [I erroneously ticked yes when asked if I 'have ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activites; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?' At least that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.]

  • Paper bag with all 50 US states written on it, with the ones I have visited ticked off

  • Piece of paper with 'J&J's first date was on May 12 2004 at Lollipop's Ice Cream Parlor in Athens, Ohio' written on it

  • 2x black Bic biros

  • Ticket for The Glass Menagerie at the Royal Exchange theatre [Starring National Treasure Brenda Blethyn as Mrs Wingfield]

  • An emergency contact form for an NWA flight from Boston to Amsterdam [Blank]

  • Hair bobble

  • Pack of cards

  • Home Office leaflet on the rules surrounding passport photographs

  • Ticket to the NPower 2nd Test Match. England v New Zealand, Old Trafford Cricket Ground, Saturday May 24th 2008 [The infamous day. I was so hungover, I couldn't drink all day. Some obnoxious boys sat in front of us and then revealed that they were from the same place we are. John Tickle from Big Brother was there. So was a man dressed as a giant sperm. I got so sunburned, I still have the tan lines and the faint sunglasses suntan. And I had to go to J's wedding the next day and ruined all the photos by being bright red and hot to the touch]

  • Laminate for Chester Races Midsummer Meeting, County Concourse, 28th June 2008. 'Dress code: Gentlemen are required to wear a suit jacket, collar and tie. No denim or trainers' [The other infamous day. I managed to fall asleep in a bar for more than an hour. Directly below a speaker]

  • Ticket for 'This Is Cinerama' at the National Media Museum, Bradford [From the cinematic sublime to the ridiculous, all in one bag. The only time I have ever willingly been to Bradford *vomits*]

  • Ticket for The Tempest at the Royal Exchange theatre [Starring Padgate Pete Postlethwaite as Prospero. The next time I see him walking down Padgate Lane, I am going to congratulate him on his performance.]

  • Betting slip for £2 on number 8, Little Pete, to win [He didn't. Could this bag paint a classier picture of me?!]

  • Receipt from TGI Fridays at the Trafford Centre for 1x Sam Adams and 1x strawberry daiquiri [How dare those terrorists plot to bomb the Trafford Centre! And the Birdcage! What have hardcore terrorists got against men in drag?!]

  • Receipt for M&S sea salt and balsamic vinegar hand cooked crisps [The best crisps in the world]

  • 1x ticket for The Farnsworth Invention at the Music Box Theatre, New York City for Friday November 2nd 2007 [Starring Hank Azaria]

  • A carte du site 2007 of Six Flags LaRonde [So what did you do whilst in cultural Montreal? Er, I went to Six Flags. And a middle aged woman walked up to me and pinched my arse. True, somewhat disturbing, story. Featuring rides I went on including Vampire, Cobra, Goliath: Le Geant des Montagnes Russes, Monstre, Super Manege and Boomerang]

  • A boarding pass for Air Canada flight 1173 Toronto to Calgary on the 22nd August 2007

  • An Air Canada delayed baggage card from Air Canada flight 1173

The bag is not even that big. I never took the bag to Sweden or America or Canada. How did all that stuff get in there? Bag poltergeist? I should really start throwing things away.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Teenage Mutant Ninja ... Poodle?

Some people smoke waaaaaaaaaay too much crack.

Monday, 6 April 2009

First Day At Work

Blatantly disregarding my last post, here I am online.

Turns out 600 people applied for my job - 8 posts were offered. And I got one of them. Fools.

Team building exercise = fuck my life!

Sunday, 5 April 2009

(9 To) Five Minutes To Midnight

One of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse has just gone galloping by ...

Hell has frozen over ...

Wes Anderson has created a character without father issues ...

Jessica is starting work tomorrow.

Yep. You read that right. A career. Full time.


Never thought this day would come, did you?

Neither did I.

But, like death and taxes, it was kinda inevitable.

Gringott's bank vault had to run dry eventually.

So I may not be on my pathetic blog as often as before. But I will be watching.

[That probably sounded unnecessarily sinister!]

A break from Al Gore's finest invention will probably do me some good.

I won't stay away too long though. Just until the next random thing catches my eye or I feel the need to hideously overshare the minutiae of my existence with you all.

Or at least until I finish re-reading my Point Romance book, 'Ice Hot!' It's like 1996 all over again.

"When Jackie is offered free entry to the ice-rink, it seems the perfect way to fill her time, especially as her boyfriend Julian is too busy to see her nowadays. Jackie soon realizes there is more to life than Julian; the rink is full of hunks, including Adam and Vikram".

That cover kind of points to victory for Vikram to me. Or it could be Adam. Just sayin' ...

And what a hunk.

Expect a scintillating review of 'Ice Hot!'

Wish me luck, people. I'm going in ...

Saturday, 4 April 2009

Jason Mraz, I'm All Yours

*Tried Twitter out, but found it to be not my thing. I am most uninteresting. Also just got an email saying the 2 disc special edition Twilight DVD has been dispatched. There goes my life.*

Last night we saw Jason Mraz and he was most excellent. He had this horn section who looked like they had stepped straight out of the Latin Kings. Most gangsta. They did these choreographed moves which were pretty sweet - and it was probably the only show I have ever been to which featured a trombone solo. Phina wore her Mraz hat, which she complained a lot about, but ultimately loved. She just didn't express that love in words.

His bassist had the look of an albino about him and was skanking along nicely. His drummer had one of the most disturbing chin beards I have ever seen. And he had a guy playing the bongos who had sunglasses on inside, which led Chan to think that he was blind. He wasn't blind.

Mr Mraz himself looked a bit emaciated - probably thanks to his raw food only hippy-avocado-farmer diet. I didn't take an avocado to throw at him as I planned, because I can't afford to be arrested this week (or for the next 6-9 month probationary period). He had grown a goatee which was fairly unattractive and was wearing a v-neck tshirt - never a good look on a man in my, highly fashionable, opinion. He also, during an extended acoustic guitar solo freak out which, if I am being totally honest, was a bit yawnsome, exhibited some fairly sleazy winking techniques at various audience members. But he had a hat on!

But his voice. Oh, his voice.

As the above picture shows, the moons of Saturn had to align for me to be able to see anything. Despicable Couple Behaviour to the left. And an Absolute Penis stood directly in front of me. He was about a foot taller than everyone around him. He did not move once during the entire show. No clapping, no singing along - not even a head nod. What is the point of paying £20 to see a show and then go and not get involved? Dick.

If I were in charge if such things, and let's face it, I should be, there would be a height apartheid system going on. All the short people, like my good self, down the front. The freaks at the back. They'll still be able to see.

My case is not really helped by the fact that pretty much everyone, ever, is taller than me.

We exited past the traditional vomiting teenager [she types pretending that she wasn't once that vomiting teenager] and then went home and ate some cake.

A most excellent end to the evening.

Friday, 3 April 2009

Pictures Which Amuse Me

A most random selection of photos which have tickled my funny bone - for myriad reasons. I am off to see Jason Mraz tonight - yay for me!

The most random round of drinks ever seen. Ordered in the world's most specific restaurant in Abersoch, Wales. Dandelion & burdock, Magners cider, Tetley's bitter, Pimms and a cup of tea.

I wholeheartedly agree. Which is ironic because I don't actually do any work.

Air guitar is always funny. Especially when you have spilt a drink down yourself. And air bongos? Whatever Kaz is doing, it's bloody funny.

'Throw a coin in the Trevi fountain, Jess! I'll get a really good pic of you doing it!'

New Year ages ago. Convincing ourselves the chocolate fountain was healthy because we were dipping fruit into it. Followed shortly afterwards by pinata action.

We really do pick the best times to go camping.

The hotel in Niagara does its best to convince us that it is not a brothel. Not good enough.

Hockey Hall Of Fame, Toronto. What the frig are the Manchester Storm doing anywhere near it?!

Mexican wave! The funiest thing about this pic was that someone tagged the guy in yellow as 'Warrington tosser'. Which he truly was. This was taken at the England v New Zealand cricket test match, where I got more sunburned than I had previously thought possible.

Kum again?

The source of the longest running in joke. Who's in the bag?

They play ice hockey in South Africa? Mmmkay.

At least he's honest.

The word 'gonad' is just hilarious.

Drive thru liquor store in Athens, Ohio. In someone's garage. Classy.

Grandes Tours du Monde: London, Paris, Vienna, Moscow and Blackpool?! People in Montreal have a great sense of humour.

How did you end up in Queens? Funny story ...

Having to perform mime in NYC due to the taxi-theft of my proper coat. Bastard.

Oh, the irony. My coat missing a button, in front of a giant button.

As seen in Yellowstone. It is probably all kinds of wrong, but the dissolving boy makes me cry tears of laughter. I blame his jaunty hat.

Warrington joke here. Mr Smiths + carpet = Synergy.
Wonder if Halo changed the carpet? Hopefully I will never find out.

As seen at the wildlife park. What a combination.

A picture of me. Done by a 25 year old.

Packing for camping. Note Chan's make up suitcase and the 2 boxes of wine. Best camping trip ever - it even inspired me to write a musical!

I actually ate this. And it was not really that tasty. Purchased in Stockholm, the filling was like chocolate and caramel combined.

I love nothing more than having a ginger nut in my mouth.

Lack of punctuation changes the meaning of this Welsh sign.

Not pictured: Bimbo bread - as eaten by me in Fuerteventura or the Cockhedge shopping centre which I live near and never considered funny until I had to tell someone from out of town what it was called and had it pointed out to me that it had the word 'cock' in it.