Sunday, 15 March 2009

Yo, What The Dillio?

The artist formerly known as Joaquin Phoenix, actor, is now Joaquin Phoenix, white rapper. As disturbing as all white rappers are, he has a pretty unique brand of crazy. And in the words of Natalie Portman at the Oscars, he looks like he "works in a Hassidic meth lab".

Spare any change?

Wankin' Phoenix, as he is charmingly referred to by my father, has decided that his future lies in the big bad world of rap. From the grainy YouTube footage available, he appears to be delusional. Sub-Vanilla Ice is probably being generous.

Everyone's favourite ex-cult member, and favourite living Phoenix, seems to think that to make it as a rapper, all it takes is the ability to mumble, an abundance of head nodding and exiting the stage by comedy pratfall whilst looking like a dishevelled sexual predator.

The fact that people are cheering in that video only goes to show the true extent of alcoholic imbibement in Las Vegas. It also shows a difference in Transatlantic humour as NOBODY laughs when he falls off stage.

That video also shows that his stage, erm, presence is very much like that one time you got hammered and decided that it would be, like, the funniest thing, like, EVER if you got up and did karaoke to 'U Can't Touch This' or 'Boom! Shake The Room' or if you simply and randomly broke into the theme tune of 'The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air'. Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and shooting some b-ball outside of school. Word up.

Some people are suspicious as to this change in career and it should be noted that the-even-less-talented-Affleck, Casey, is following Jay-Phee around with a camera documenting his new 'career'. I can't help but think it is some elaborate spoof and the joke, quite unhilariously, is actually on us.

Evil emperor Commodus has also been in the news lately for attacking a fan who heckled him. Those who stick their heads above the parapet often get shot at. According to The Times, Phoenix stated "I've got a million f****** dollars in my f****** bank account. What have you got?" Erm, a razor? Sanity? Legal grounds to sue you and relieve you of some of those million fucking dollars?


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