Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Tell The Who That The Kids Are Not Alright!


A certain trash mag which I may, or may not, have a subscription to, ran an article in its current issue about the names people give their children. Admittedly most of these are in America where naming your child, well, just about anything seems perfectly acceptable and not at all likely to lead to a lifetime of bullying and ridicule. In the clearly delusional minds of some parents.

As someone who has last name issues, I can somewhat sympathise with these kids. Yes, I have two last names. No, one is not my mum's and the other my dad's. They are both my dad's. Yes, I can spell it for you. Yes, there is a hyphen between the two. No, they won't fit in the space on the form. No, that is not the sound of me loading a semi-automatic weapon.

My own situ is nowhere near as bad as some of these poor bastards:
  • Arsenal
  • Ballerina
  • Baltimore - if you're gonna name your kid after a city, at least choose an interesting one
  • Canon
  • Courvoisier
  • Del Monte - 7 (!) boys are named this. The man from Del Monte should have tried saying 'no'.
  • Denim
  • Disney
  • ESPN - 2 boys are named after the sports channel. How the balls do you pronounce this? Espen? Or do you say 'ee-ess-pee-en' like the channel? Some people should be forcibly prevented from breeding.
  • Female - I would love if this were an ironic name for a boy
  • Gandalf - 6 boys in the UK have massive nerds for parents
  • Ikea
  • Lexus
  • L'Oreal
  • Nokia
  • Priest
  • Porphyria - erm, isn't that a disease? Literally. Well, they do drink a lot in Scotland...
  • Timbaland
  • Vaseline - she gets along so well with her brother KY Jelly. Jesus.
Recently there was that case in New Jersey where a boy named Adolf Hitler was taken from his parents and put in a foster home because of his name. And his 2 sisters also had Nazi themed names - Waffen SS and Ubergruppenfuhrer or summat - and they were also removed. I think this should happen more. And the kids should all be renamed Tim and Alice. Or something else suitably vanilla.


6 comments:

ali said...

So -- I'm not sure if you call the jars that you use for canning fruits and vegetables "Mason Jars," but where I'm from that's what we call them...

Anyway, a guy I worked with back home named his son Mason Jar. That's pretty bad...

And my Aunt works with a guy named Jack Ash. haha. Lovely.

Jessclub7 said...

Everyone I know has heard the story tons of times, but my dad's old boss was called Dick Headley. Still gets a laugh from me 15 years on.

And I used to work with John Lennon, Michael Bolton, James Bond and Shere Khan, the tiger from the Jungle Book. Good times.

mer said...

so, I'd never name my CHILD this, but I think the name Makita (which is a power-tool company) is pretty adorable. Honest. I want to get a cat and name it Makita. Mind you I want two dogs who I can name Khyber and Memphis.

At least if I procreate, I'll have the decency to name my children Charlie or Patrick or Elanor or something.

oooh! have you read the book Freakonomics? If you haven't go to the book store and read it there (it'll take an hour tops) - there's a whole chapter on names and ecomonic class; it's right before the dishonest teachers and sumo wrestlers chapter... good times :P

Jessclub7 said...

@Mer - I live in a house with 2 copies of Freakonomics in it - my housemate and I were only talking about that last night.

My next cat is going to be called Chairman Meow.

Phina said...

Mer - Elanor? Is that a sneaky yet not geeky reference to Lord of the Rings? Yes, I'm a raging geek.

I want to call my dogs after the surnames of The Bluetones, so Morris, Devlin and Chesters.

And I also called my tortoise Gene Kelly II. Should he have been removed from my care for this or are animals a different kettle of fish?

Jessclub7 said...

Bluetones = rubbish band.

I have not forgiven you for forcing me to listen to them in Pennsylvania. It was like an acid trip back to 1995.

If we hadn't seen those Amish people in Burger King, my day would have been ruined.