Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Things I Firmly Believe ...

  1. I have changed the lives of probably more than 20 people by speculatively purchasing a copy of Twilight, having known nothing about it and having £2.99 burning a hole in my pocket

  2. Food shopping may be the greatest kind of shopping

  3. Public transport is full of crazies [not including me]

  4. Nobody is genuinely interested in the life of Jennifer Aniston

  5. Shakespeare plays set in 'the hood' or 'da ghetto' are invariably garbage

  6. Watching 'Singin' In The Rain' will make all human beings wish they could tap dance

  7. Why do today what you can do tomorrow?

  8. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition could bring a tear to a glass eye

  9. Ventriloquism is the lowest form of comedy

  10. Cats are cleverer than us

  11. I could write a book better than some which have actually been published [though that very poorly constructed sentence would suggest not]

  12. All audio books should be read by Dr Stephen Hawking

  13. Swearing is big and clever

  14. I could be Ludacris' personal battery changer and thus part of a rapper's entourage

  15. Dusting may be the most pointless of all household chores

  16. Motorists should be able to legally knock down cyclists who ride their bikes at night in all black clothing and with no lights on

  17. Phone-A-Friends on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' who ask for the question to be repeated or who otherwise take 3 days before saying 'I'm really not sure', should have to pay their friend's winnings out of their own pocket

  18. I could be a doctor purely through prolonged exposure to television medical dramas

  19. I would like to go to Norway

  20. Nobody can listen to 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' and feel unhappy

  21. Late night radio is crap

  22. James Franco is suddenly very hot

  23. I may never get a car purely because of the number of lifts I owe other people

  24. Come Dine With Me Sunday More 4 marathon is the ultimate televisual experience

  25. The greatest Facebook group I am in is: 'The gingerbread man from Shrek deserves an Oscar'. Not his gumdrop buttons!

  26. The Ting Tings are the most disappointing live band I have ever seen. And I have seen Boyzone. Twice.

  27. Vegetarianism is sometimes a pain in the arse

  28. I have 1001 other things which I have to do before Monday. So I have decided to do none of them

  29. Gigantic SUV tank-like vehicles in towns should be crushed or used to run over their owners

  30. The fact that I burnt my finger today on carrot and lentil soup after I told a joke which was offensive to hippies, was probably karmic

  31. I may be weird because some of my biggest crushes are on fictional characters [one day I will post a list of my top literary hot bitches - after conferring with my Smut Club homies first]

  32. There ain't no party like an S Club party

Bag Bingo

I have one particular bag which always sparks conversation whenever I use it. I think it's an OK bag, but other people seem to really like it. A girl once ran across 4 lanes of traffic on Oxford Road in Manchester to ask me where I got it from. It's from American Apparel - but don't judge me, it was a gift!

I often use it as an eco bag for carting shopping around [or textbooks back in the day] - my one concession to the environment. Obviously, I have a barrel of crude oil permanently burning at home though. My own little eternal flame.

A fun game we all like to play is ticking off the places we have been, hence Bag Bingo. The ultimate goal would be to get all of the places. This may be a bit unlikely, but we all need goals to aim for, eh?

So on our first gamecard I have, oh, I've got a line! San Francisco! Fuck yeah!

I also have Toronto and Calgary. Cleveland may be just about the only major settlement I have NOT been to in Ohio.

Very poor effort from me in the first game.

Note to self: go to more semi-obscure American places.

Ooh, the second game looks more promising for me.

I have 3 lines! Montreal & Paris, London & New York and Berlin & Chicago. Come on!

I also have Vancouver. Only 5 away from a full house. Must expand into Asia.

*I am feeling weird today [as if you couldn't tell from the above gubbins]. In a good mood for no apparent reason. Got a bit overexcited before after seeing one of my former lecturers on the BBC after he accused my course of being dumbed down and fiddling with exam results. He has been dismissed from the Standards Board but because he made the allegations before MPs in parliament, the people who dismissed him could be prosecuted for contempt of parliament. What a mess. I am also still highly amused by my grandad's theory that his chest infection has been caused by immigrants. And I am going to make white chocolate, banana and walnut bread momentarily. Yum.*

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Dick In A Box On A Boat In My Pants

I find strange things funny. As a rule, the more offensive something is, the funnier I will find it. My mum was called into my nursery school when I was 3 years old because the teacher thought I had an 'inappropriate' sense of humour. Apparently I didn't laugh when the other kids laughed and I tended to laugh AT people. Yeah, that's because people are idiots who deserve to be laughed at.

Featuring much swearing:

[ If you are offended by bad language don't watch the vids. And get a life.]

'I'm on a boat, take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!' and the bit where T-Pain claims to have known a mermaid actually made me laugh out loud.

So much about this video is funny. The random bongo playing. The part where he tries to pay by cheque. The reference to Bruce Willis and the Sixth Sense.

And check out Lazy Sunday too - a rap account of a Sunday where they go to see 'The Chronic-cles of Narnia'. Saturday Night Live are arses though and don't put anything up on YouTube. I fully expect to get a cease and desist for just typing that.

And, lest we forget, the kerlassic Dick In A Box:

Saturday, 28 March 2009

My New Favourite Website

I have recently [always late to the godforsaken party] started perusing a website called Fmylife. A somewhat more family friendly way of saying, like the liquor store employee in Superbad, fuck my life.

It basically provides a forum to share all the shitty, messed up things which are currently ruining all of our lives. Some of them are pretty funny. Observe:

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate which I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML.

Today my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk into his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming that she wanted someone more like her 'Edward'. I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy of her 'Twilight' book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML.

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML.

Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realised that both of my parents have the same last name. I asked them about it and they told me they are second cousins. FML.

Today, my fiancee broke up with me. Via a Myspace message. While we were both in the same apartment. FML.

Today, I handed in my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "ni**er". My professor is black. FML.

Today, on the 6 train home, I had a gun placed against the back of my head and my wallet, watch and ipod stolen. As soon as the robber got what he wanted, he turned and ran, dropping his weapon on the ground. I got robbed by a man wielding a Pez dispenser. FML.

Today, I turned 22 without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. The only phonecall I got all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML.

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. Nobody told me he died. FML.

Today, I came back to my apartment to find I couldn't watch certain channels on my TV. When I called the TV company, I found out my parents had put a 'parental block' on all of my favourite channels. I'm 22 and rent an apartment with friends. FML.

Today, my father asked if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to 'surprise mom later'. Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML.

The Edward Cullen one I could totally imagine happening! Though I much prefer Jacob myself.

Friday, 27 March 2009

Things I Really LOVE, But Should Know Better

The documentary National Treasure and its sequel

In the name of Owen Wilson's nose and all that is holy, I should hate these movies. Mainly because, if we are being painfully and brutally honest, they are a bit rubbish. I just cannot do it. I want so badly to hate them, but all it does is makes me love them more.

I should hate National Treasure because it is historically inaccurate. I should hate NT because in the first one they have the classic lazy Hollywood English villain. In a press junket, Sean Bean was asked where he thought treasure was hidden and he replied: "Sheffield". Not likely. I should hate Dr Abigail Chase for having an amazing wardrobe. I should hate the fact that the main character is called Benjamin Franklin Gates [and I kinda do hate that]. The fact that they steal the Declaration Of Independence using the ludicrous plan hatched and executed by Gates & Riley, his trusty sidekick, should make me laugh out loud.

Riley is one of the major reasons I cannot hate these films. What a character. Justin Bartha [I had to look up his name], is a comedic genius. I am allowed to hate the fact that he dates an Olsen twin because there is, like, a law against that and it makes me like him a smidge less. Only a smidgen though. I can't stay mad at him. And I would totally buy his book. "It's a big blueish green man ... with a big goatee. I'm guessing that's significant."

The fact that when they are in Philadelphia tooling around with Silence Dogood, they run from Independence Hall to City Hall in about 324 seconds when, from bitter pedestrian experience, I know that is a much longer journey, does not lessen my viewing pleasure. Nor does Nic Cage's unprecedented tourist access to the clock tower or any other part of Independence Hall without getting shot in the face. And I am willing to accept that Ben Franklin came up with the first pair of 3D glasses in existence.

In the Old North Church in Boston, whilst other people were asking much more serious questions about Paul Revere blah blah blah, I asked the guy who worked there 'Excuse me, was this the church in National Treasure?' The guy told me that yes, it was, but filming was actually done at a replica set. A few illusions shattered there. Kids, never ask a question you are not prepared to hear the answer to. Especially in relation to National Treasure.

The sequel was hotly anticipated. Mainly by me.

All the familiar faces were back. And Helen Mirren and Toyota Yaris [my *hilarious* nickname for Ed Harris] were added for good, or bad, measure.

NT 2 has a plot even more ludicrous than the first. BFG has to try and clear his ancestors' name after he is accused of being in cahoots with John Wilkes Booth and assassinating Abraham Lincoln. Why anyone would care is never really explained. But Nicolas Cage does some of his best indignant acting since, erm, Gone In 60 Seconds, and gets really quite annoyed about it.

This then leads to some international hijinks, including a meeting with 2 Parisian policemen which was so stereotypical they should have been dressed as mimes and on strike whilst smoking, eating garlic and conducting an extra-marital affair. Action then switched to Londontown, where they had a mega [and geographically impossible] car chase involving loads of barrels of London Pride and a visit to Buck House to see the Queen's desk. One of my favourite scenes involved Ben Gates pretending to be drunk and randomly shouting "Bubbles and squeak!" in an 'English' accent.

His mom, England's own National Treasure Helen Mirren, has the most changeable accent in movies. She sounds rubbish. But your dad still fancies her. She deciphers some Native American hieroglyphs and they eventually arrive in South Dakota's Black Hills to go and see Mount Rushmore and find the loot. The fact that they get to Mt Rushmore in an afternoon is also not realistic, especially since they are coming from Washington. South Dakota is a whole load of nothingness. Oh, and he kidnaps the President somewhere in the middle of this too.

They arrive and go on a trek actually INto the mountain. Seems those Sioux left it chock full of gold - "it's a little golden man". The fact that a lot of the Native American hieroglyphs visible here are actually Chinese script, should be completely ignored. Toyota Yaris does the right thing and sacrifices himself and Ben Gates reads the President's Secret Book. It is, apparently, life altering. And rumoured to be the basis of NT3 *crosses fingers and looks to the heavens*.

I should hate these movies because they are schlocky and unrealistic and of no educational value, but I just can't do it. And they feature the hardest working actor in Hollywood, Nicolas Cage's hair, in one of its finest performances, actually convincing us that it belongs on his head. Oscar bait if ever I saw it.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Lions And Tigers And Bears, Oh My!

I am not really a mega zoo fan, but hell, I have not eaten any animal for 15 years so I think I can go to the zoo more guilt free than some people. I don't even like animals, really.

On Monday, we went to South Lakes Wild Animal Park in Dalton-in-Furness in Cumbria. It was a pretty good day. And it ended with a cocktail so that made it even better.

I literally could have stolen a penguin at one point. Stupid small bag. Inappropriate bag choice has prevented me from having some cacti margarita glasses and now a pet penguin. I must engage brain before picking out future outfits.

We ate our picnic lunch [pitta bread, humous, tzatziki, Pringles & cookies] in a room signed as 'Indoor Picnic Area & Snakes'. Quite the combo.

Just hanging around.

The white handed gibbons were my favourite monkeys. Their arms were comically long and they swaggered along like Liam Gallagher or summat.

Hello giraffes

I was not really feeling the whole lets-feed-a-giraffe-an-onion-with-our-bare-hands-and-have-it-slobber-all-over-us. As you can tell by my face. Who knew that giraffes ate onions? Not me. And look how long that tongue is. Eew.

Pouch baby!

Phina tries to not let the lemur through the gate

Forget otters holding hands, this is lemurs holding thighs.

All the lemurs sat like this to catch the sun. It was pretty funny.

This lemur has quite the dilemma. To cross the barrier or not to cross the barrier, that is the question.

This black and white ruffed lemur was pretty friendly. He stuck his head in Phina's bag and came and sat on me and Chan. He then climbed up a tree and ran off.

Mr Peacock

Is the bear thinking 'Lunch'? No. 4 bears live in the same enclosure as a ton of Indonesian otters and Capuchin monkeys. They seemed to get along pretty well. Well, nothing got eaten when we were there.

The most needless sign in the world?

The park is apparently quite famous for the way it feeds its tigers. That vid is of the Sumatran tigers getting their chicken.

That is the Amur tigers getting their dinner. Note how the male goes straight for the first chicken he sees but the female weighs it all up and goes for the best one. Men are idiots.

The Amur tiger has its dinner - a nice dead chicken.

There were some black footed penguins which are native to South Africa. So Cumbria was probably a bit cold for them!

A penguin tried to eat my shoe. Not impressed.

And let us end with some Mandrill footage. Let's face it, monkeys are hilarious - esp. at the 30 second mark in the vid. Sure, this one is probably psychologically damaged, but who ya gonna call? We are only slightly more evolved ourselves [and in some cases that is debatable], but there was a lot of, erm, self love, on display from the monkeys and the lemurs. Filth.

Oh, and I made friends with a bear. After watching 'Grizzly Man' last night, I don't think I want to hug a bear anymore. That guy was such an effing tool, he deserved to be eaten by a bear.
Yeah, I said it.

Tuesday, 24 March 2009


I am very interested in things which are quite boring to most people. I don't know why, I always have been.

Today I have been messing with the shuffle function on my iPod, it is set to be the 'most' random, but the same songs still keep coming up. I have 3821 songs on it (I LOVE music) but a disproportionate number of songs by the same artist keeps coming on. I thought I would shuffle and list the first 20 songs which came on - I wonder if I will look like I have good taste or bad taste at the end of this?! Probably bad.

1. Hand On Your Heart - Kylie Minogue [Released in 1989, when I was 6, I remember dancing around my living room to this, making up dances, wishing I was Kylie]
2. Venus - Bananarama [Hahaha]
3. Valerie - The Zutons [The original and best]
4. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
5. Sheila Take A Bow - The Smiths [Another childhood song. I remember dancing around to a load of Smiths songs without having a clue what they were about or what the lyrics were]
6. Lately - Stevie Wonder [I feel like an American Idol contestant having this song on there. Please Simon, just give me a chance! Randy?! Paula?!]
7. Stick To The Status Quo - High School Musical Soundtrack [Best random lyrical reference to creme brulee ever. Also possibly the only lyrical reference to creme brulee ever]
8. Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode
9. The Wonder Of You - Elvis Presley [How very random]
10. Why Can't I Wake Up With You? - Take That [Another childhood sound]
11. One Short Day - Wicked Soundtrack
12. Use Somebody - Kings Of Leon [Oh the irony. This song has been out in the UK for over 3 months and I hear it at least 3 times a day still. It is following me around. I hear it in the places I least expect and it is beginning to get annoying]
13. Walking On Sunshine - KC & The Sushine Band
14. Sparkling Diamonds - Moulin Rouge Soundtrack [The road trip CD. The number of sing-a-longs I have had to this song and the Elephant Love Medley or Come What May or Your Song or Lady Marmalade. Good times]
15. Everywhere - Fleetwood Mac [LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this song]
16. Stairway To Heaven - Led Zeppelin [Rarely listen to this]
17. Boys - Britney Spears [Not her best but definitely not her worst. Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman anyone?]
18. Faith - George Michael [Was kinda disappointed that I didn't see him when I went to Hampstead Heath. Should have looked for the Range Rover half in a hedge stinking of marijuana. We live and learn]
19. Valerie - Amy Winehouse [See about it being not that random?]
20. Business Time - Flight Of The Conchords [Love the Conchords]

That was actually a lot better than it could have been. I have some pretty bad songs on there. Not sure that this was worth reading but, oh well!

I really do heart that song. Even if Mick Fleetwood looks like Saruman's rebel son who abandoned being a dark wizard in favour of electronically based popular music and drug use.

And if anyone has any music recommendations, let me know!

Sunday, 22 March 2009


Yesterday it was a certain someone's birthday celebration. Certain someone is quite the fan of Doctor Who. Whilst shopping, Dalek cake was spotted and purchased. I think it's a fairly cool cake - even if the orange flash is a bit rubbish.

So there you go, Mer. You can see the dalek cake. Want me to send you one for your birthday?!

With the candles on it.

Then we went for seafood. This blog is fast turning into a photographic food diary. I will resolve to hate tons of things in my last few weeks of unrestricted internet access and unrestricted leisure time. R tried a mussel for the first time and the look on his face was priceless. Needless to say, he didn't like it.

G & K's epic seafood platter. Most photographed thing of the night. What a task eating this was. K even managed an oyster. When I tried an oyster I spent 10 minutes heaving into a public litter bin in Dublin. Such a good look.

The detritus of the seafood platter. It leaves a lot of waste. When I tried lobster, I thought it was a ton of effort for very little reward. But using the claw crackers was pretty cool.

Trying to split a £358 bill 12 ways after my share of 4 bottles of wine was also a bit hard, but we got there in the end.

Today is mother's day, so happy mother's day to any mums reading.

I got my mum a card with a picture of a cat on it yawning, but it looked like it was smiling. The writing said: 'I'm smiling because you're my mum. And laughing because you can't do anything about it'. Fairly lame but when she opened it she said: 'Oh, thank God! It isn't homemade!' Note to self: never make the effort to make CBM anything ever again.

I didn't get her a present as is trad, but my brother got her a massive plant thing. Creep. I may be the olden child, but I'm not the golden child. That's for sure.

We are now watching the BBC Pride & Prejudice marathon together. Charlotte Lucas has just got engaged to Mr Collins. Poor Charlotte.

Tomorrow is the Day Of Fun. It's top secret but I will probably write about it on Tuesday when I will be back on the computer. It's gonna be great!

Saturday, 21 March 2009

I Got Ham But I'm Not A Hamster

So K recommended this Bill Bailey clip to me - she is fast becoming my most vital YouTube source! Bill Bailey, a comedian I saw at the MEN arena sporting his self described wizard in a call centre or Klingon motivational speaker look, is one of the quirkiest and funniest comedians out there. Check him out:

Or this classic from when we saw him:

'I bleed on your panini!'

Or this take on race relations:

'They don't fight, except for mating rights and territory'

Or my all time favourite:

'Soaking in the hoisin of your lies!'

Friday, 20 March 2009

Freedom Road: A Big Hole & Duelling Pianos

*Random McRandom: I have just bought some cowboy boots (£5 - bargain) as part of a costume, but the woman in the shop was saying 'Oh, aren't these boots lovely?' I didn't have the heart to tell her that they were kind of for a joke outfit. I have also just read a story on Popbitch about when Daniel Radcliffe went back to school after filming the first Harry Potter. It said that some older boys locked him in a cupboard and said: 'Magic your way out of that, Potter!' I cried real tears laughing at that.*

Day Five - Las Vegas

This post will do my reputation as someone who, uh, likes a drink, no favours.

EDIT: This post should be read whilst listening to this:

Housekeeping woke us up at 11. I had not fallen asleep for ages the night before because the 3 men in the next room had a very loud, very drunk, very detailed conversation about every woman they had ever known sexually. It was quite the convo. And judging by their appearances when I saw them coming out of their room, GeekCon passes around their necks, almost entirely made up.

We went for brunch in the Luxor. I had the world’s strongest Mimosa and Jo had a Bloody Mary. Carrot Top was appearing at the Luxor. I have never heard of Carrot Top, but just going off his picture, I don’t like him. We also kept seeing signs everywhere for ‘Lance Burton: Master Magician’. Never heard of him either. Criss Angel was soon to be appearing in some new emo-magic spectacular at the Luxor so his 41-year-old-dressed-like-a-depressed-14-year-old face was everywhere.

We then went to the MGM Grand because I wanted to see the depressed lions that live in the lobby. We wander over there, almost dieing from the heat, and lo! The lions are not there. Their exhibit is being ‘maintained’ so they are in ‘another location’. The one bloody day … We wandered around for a bit, this particular casino seemed to have some very nice looking restaurants so we played the classic game of reading all the menus and picking what we would have if we were eating there and made of money.

By this point, because we had slept so late, it was time to return to Mumm-Ra’s pyramid to get ready for our helicopter odyssey to the Grand Canyon. We had gone for the sunset option – mainly because the other available option required us to be up and ready by 5 am. Not happening. We were picked up and driven to an airfield in Boulder City. We had to be weighed before we could get in the helicopter – apparently this determined where everyone would sit in the whirlybird.

Our pilot was fairly po-faced (though he later lightened up considerably when talking about the UK and its strange crisp flavours) but competent. Jo had never been in a helicopter before, but I had. It was still weird taking off vertically though. The whole point of the helicopter tour was that it went fairly slowly and kept as low as possible. About 2 minutes outside of the airport, we flew over a massive firing range. How stereotypical. Then we flew over the Hoover Dam. The dam looked fairly big from the helicopter, so it must be pretty impressive close up.

Hoover Dam

We carried on flying over the Colorado River (it was very blue – it is only once it enters the Grand Canyon that it is silted up and brown) and then eventually we came into the Grand Canyon. What can I say other than it is a really big hole? It is fairly impressive and was well worth a trip. We landed inside the Canyon on a piece of land that the pilot said belonged to the local tribe. He said they made $8 million a year in landing rights from helicopter companies. Probably because Vegas has cornered the market in casinos. Cough.

It was at this point that the champagne came out. (The next day when we woke up, we were all: ‘But we didn’t even drink that much! There were the drinks in the bar, but that was it. Oh, and the mimosa. Yeah, and the champagne.’) Refills were liberally provided. We were allowed to wander around this scrabbly little patch of the Grand Canyon and take pictures etc. Then we got back in the chopper and flew over some hills back to the airport. The pilot had his own mixtape on and it included some songs that we had already been listening to, like Hotel California, and it was a pretty sweet way to spend a sunset.

Colorado River in the Grand Canyon

We were both still pretty tired and jet lagged so we decided that we would go out. But only til about midnight because we had an 8 hour drive the next day to Salt Lake City. We decided that we would return to the piano bar we saw the night before because it had seemed really lively and like everyone was having a good time. On the way over there we realised that we had not eaten anything since brunch. Neither of us was particularly hungry, so we decided to just have some Cold Stone Creamery for our dinner. (With hindsight, this may also have been part of the problem.) I had strawberry cheesecake flavour ice cream. It was yum.

So we were walking through casinos, eating ice cream, losing IQ points for every minute we stayed in Vegas, and we entered the Times Square Duelling Piano Bar in New York, New York. Almost instantly a guy called Tom from Philadelphia came over and struck up a conversation. His group of friends included some pretty weird people – the one guy who was speaking to us for over an hour before realising we were English, the married guy who was groping anything vaguely female etc – and at one point he told us that we ‘were really nice people’. Erm, mate, you don’t know us. Especially because you just said that!

Air piano

The piano players were really good, they played whatever you wanted (I made Jo request ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’ by Queen). For reasons unknown, they kept playing ‘Champagne Supernova’ by Oasis and this was the first time we heard what would become one of the anthems of the trip: ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John ...

The night kept getting more and more surreal. Lots of shenanigans involving an Elton John wig. At one point a small Asian woman, dressed in a skirt suit and mother-of-the-bride style hat, appeared playing a cow bell to the delight of the whole crowd. We met another guy from England who was riding around America on a motorbike. We met Hot Colombian Guy, who, as his name suggests, was hot. There was a Mexican guy who looked like David Gest looking at the back of a spoon. This conversation occurred:

Swedish guy: Hello! I’m from Sweden!
Me: Hello! I’m drunk!

If a picture is worth a thousand words, these pictures can speak for themselves. Jo had control of the camera for the night so they are mostly of me. And, yes, those are all different drinks.

Drunk, drunker, drunkest.
Jo & HCG

At one point I wandered out of the bar to find the bathrooms, I could hear that the fire alarm was going off and a recorded message was telling us to evacuate. I ignored it and went right back in shouting ‘Woooooaahhhhh we’re halfway there, woooooooooaaaaoooooooow livin’ on a prayer’.
At some point we decided we should leave. We looked at the time, it was 4am. For some reason we started talking to a random man who was walking towards the Luxor too. He said he was an off duty cop. I said that I didn’t believe him because he was alone in Vegas at 4am – you can be whoever you want to be. I made him get out his badge. I then proceeded to incriminate ourselves, telling him that we would be driving tomorrow ‘so don’t breathalyse us!’ *Disclaimer: don’t drink and drive kids*

When we got back to the room, Jo revealed that she had brought a big print out of Chan’s face with her. Chan was supposed to be on the trip with us but for property purchasing reasons, had not been able to come. This picture is the result, god help us:

We hadn’t even gambled. We hadn’t made it further down the Strip than Caesar’s Palace. We had barely made it to bed.

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Sun, Sun, Sun

Today it is so sunny! I am in such a good mood.

To anyone in the UK, get yourselves down to Matalan - their sale is destroying the world. Here is what I got:

1x black dress with big embroidered pattern (almost like a peacock feather) on the front and cinched middle. It came with a stretchy belt, but it looks really cheap so I am binning that. May wear this with leggings on Saturday night.
1x white, purple and green floral dress. Very flouncy. Perfect wedding wear.
1x blue, white and red flower print button up dress. Short sleeves, collar. Very 50s housewife.
1x black patent leather heeled Mary Jane-style shoes – exactly like the Primark ones Phina, but you don’t look like you’ve got a club foot
1x black bag
2x pair of earrings. One gold hoop things. The other gold butterflies.

All for £55. Bargain.

And I got to listen in to the woman in the next changing room cubicle screaming down the phone at her husband/boyfriend/whatever because a bailiff had come to the house and tried to take the new plasma TV. Gotta love the clientele of Matalan!

Then in Tesco, what was on offer but fish fingers! 10 for 99p. And Captain Birdseye too. So for tea later on we are having my signature dish of fish finger sandwiches. I am nothing if not a gourmet. Then something a bit weird happened, the checkout woman recognised me from playgroup. I was 2 when I went to playgroup. She knew my name and everything. That was 24 years ago. No wonder I get ID’d all the time – if I still look 2!

Last night in the car was pretty funny – nothing like a post-pub singsong. Never has Kings Of Leon’s ‘Sex On Fire’ sounded worse. And K’s Scatman John style rendition of ‘I’m Yours’ by Jason Mraz was legendary. Haha!

K told me to find this on YouTube:

It's pretty damn funny. 'We love Frostys, but at what costys?' The best bit is at 3.30 when a random passer by joins in the protest: 'And I ain't got no hair!'

I am clearly made happy by some very simple things. Or, to paraphrase Fight Club, by buying shit I don't need.

EDIT: This may be the worst, most inane blog post in the history of Al Gore's internet. And I am beyond amused by that. When did I become such a dick? Why would anyone be interested in anything I have just typed?! Hahaha! I am seriously in the best mood ever!

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

100 Suspicious Books ...

So you have all probably seen this list of books you should have read, apparently from the BBC. The blurb also says that the average person will have only read 6 books on the list.

Not as shocking as it sounds. There was a documentary I watched which was about modern Britain and it stated that there were more households with 2 cars than with 2 novels. I usually have more than 2 novels about my person. What is wrong with people?

I have some issues with this list: some of the titles were misspelled, why is The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe on when the entire Chronicles are already mentioned? Same with Hamlet and the Complete Works. And Dan Brown? Bitch, please.

And the BBC has no mention of this list on its website. But it is an excuse to talk books, so I'll humour it. I am going to highlight the ones I have read. Then we can compare our bookworminess. Yay!

1. Pride & Prejudice – Jane Austen
2. The Lord Of The Rings – JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte [My favourite book in the world ever]
4. Harry Potter – JK Rowling [I can't even bring myself to criticise these books]
5. To Kill A Mockingbird – Harper Lee [I have read this book so many times]
6. The Bible
7. Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte [Heathcliff, It's me, I'm Cathy, I've come home now. Kate Bush gratuitousness]
8. Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials – Phillip Pullman [Seeing the stage version of this in April - very intrigued as to how they are going to stage it]
10. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens [Forced by mother to read this as a child]
11. Little Women – Louisa May Alcott
12. Tess Of The D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 – Joseph Heller [My dad's favourite ever book. I really didn't like it and took about 5 attempts to finally finish it. Not funny, either]
14. Complete Works Of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca – Daphne DuMaurier [On my to read pile]
16. The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18. The Catcher In The Rye – JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffeneger
20. Middlemarch – George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24. War & Peace – Leo Tolstoy [Has anyone ever read this?]
25. The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy – Douglas Adams [42]
26. Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime & Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky [Hated this book. Found it a very difficult read]
28. The Grapes Of Wrath – John Steinbeck [Loved this book, which surprised me because I was indifferent to Of Mice & Men]
29. Alice In Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind In The Willows – Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33. The Chronicles Of Narnia – CS Lewis [Classic childhood book. Didn't pick up on the fact that Aslan is supposed to be Jesus until I was about 22!]
34. Emma – Jane Austen
35. Persuasion – Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner – Khaled Hossini
38. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis de Bernieres [Thought this book was total garbage]
39. Memoirs Of A Geisha – Arthur Golden [Love this book - am constantly pimping it to people]
40. Winnie The Pooh – AA Milne
41. Animal Farm – George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown [Yes, I've read it. That doesn't mean that I think it SHOULD be read!]
43. One Hundred Years Of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez [On my to read pile]
44. A Prayer For Owen Meany – John Irving
45. The Woman In White – Wilkie Collins
46. Anne Of Green Gables – LM Montgomery [♥]
47. Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49. The Lord Of The Flies – William Golding
50. Atonement – Ian McEwan [Didn't like the book, loved the film. Reverse logic]
51. The Life Of Pi – Yann Martel
52. Dune – Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54. Sense & Sensibility – Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow Of The Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon [On my to read pile]
57. A Tale Of Two Cities – Thomas Hardy
58. Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time – Mark Haddon [HATE, HATE, HATE this book. I will concede it is fairly novel, but fucking hell it is annoying and boring]
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez [On my to read pile]
61. Of Mice & Men – John Steinbeck
62. Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov [This was pervier than I thought it would be]
63. The Secret History – Donna Tartt [On my to read pile]
64. The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold [I cried reading parts of this. But then read the ending and wished I could take back the tears. Lost the plot entirely]
65. The Count Of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67. Jude The Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones’ Diary – Helen Fielding
69. Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72. Dracula – Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden – France Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson [I am an unabashed Bryson fan]
75. Ulysses – James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath [Read when I was 15 and fairly emo]
77. Swallows & Amazons – Arthur Ransome [Made me want to live on a boat as a child]
78. Germinal – Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair – William Thackeray
80. Possession – AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84. The Remains Of The Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Alborn [Sounds too much like a self help book for my liking. Or like it could have been written by Blake Morrison]
89. The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes – Arthur Conan Doyle [I love Sherlock Holmes. Have been trying to convince C to read them all. Don't think she's convinced!]
90. The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton [If Enid Blyton wrote it, I read it as a child. Secret Seven, Famous Five, Mallory Towers, St Clare's, I read them all]
91. Heart Of Darkness – Joseph Conrad [Hated this. And how they got Apocalypse Now from this I cannot fathom]
92. The Little Prince – Antoine de Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94. Watership Down – Richard Adams [The animated version of this scarred me for life as a kid]
95. A Confederacy Of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas [Am considering reading this after watching Slumdog Millionaire]
98. Hamlet – William Shakespeare [Alas, poor Yorrick. I knew him, HORATIO]
99. Charlie & The Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

So I have read 55.

3000 Words On Deviance

That is what I should be doing. But Howard Becker and the Chicago School can get fucked. Who am I to say why people commit crime? They just do.

Random pleasures/things which I am looking forward to today:

Having my fruit based mp3 player on shuffle and the Baywatch theme coming on then slo mo running around the living room. Yes, I know, I'm hilarious.

Having 50% less fat yoghurts in the fridge. This meant I could eat two.

Buttery toast.

Drinks tomorrow [strictly speaking later today] with K. So excited about this.

All day Six Nations on Saturday followed by Loch Fyne for dinner and many, many drinks of an evening for Phina's birthday extravaganza.

Day Of Fun on Monday. It's gonna be good. And it's top secret. But the Magic 8 ball approves.

Twilight DVD coming soon. I may never leave the house again.

The thought of maybe buying a new dress to wear for Saturday. Something floral and chintzy.

Drinking cloudy lemonade.

Being told the most offensive joke. And laughing. Loudly.

This grainy photo really made me laugh after randomly finding it on my computer:

Rubbish things:

I ate two yoghurts.

I had tons of butter on my toast.

I have just eaten a chocolate brownie at 12.50 in the morning. It was Fairtrade though, so my obesity is helping the poor.

Paying 60ish English pounds to have my new dentist drill my tooth. After having requested a new dentist because the old one drilled my tooth without numbing my mouth first. The old dentist no longer works there. Coincidence? I also discovered that he is allergic to latex and he claimed to be Irish. Though he is clearly Indian.

Being ill.

Having to return to the scene of the crime tomorrow.

Only having 19 days of freedom left before having to bow to The Man.

Not having consumed any booze on Paddy's day. What is wrong with me?

Pope Benny. WTF? Condoms are spreading AIDS in Africa? People should practice fidelity and abstinence? Tell that to your priests, sunshine.

My main pleasure today, however, has been listening to this song repeatedly. Even if the setting is uncomfortably Miss Havisham-esque. Check it out:

Monday, 16 March 2009

Freedom Road: Bears, Trees & Vegas

*Can you tell I have a deadline? I am writing anything but that. This is unfolding at a stupidly slow rate. And there are 20 more days to go. Anyone who reads it all, deserves a holiday! I hope people are picking up the fact that 'Freedom Road' is a ridiculous War-On-Terror style spoof name. I am not that ridiculously pretentious. Though I have been called a snob tonight for saying that ITV is for poor people. Which it is.*

Day Four – Yosemite & Las Vegas

For some reason (probably a heady combination of jet lag and insanity), we were up at 4.40 a.m. We decided to exit Yosemite via Wawona and the giant sequoias. It took us a really long time to get to Wawona because the speed limit was stupidly low, there were roadworks everywhere, we got stuck behind the Tour de Yosemite peleton and when we got to the sequoia grove, the road was closed because there was nowhere to park near the trees. Stupid massive RVs. So we had to wait for a bus with about 100 other people which took ages.

As we were driving towards Wawona, we had Jason Mraz on the stereo, the sun was shining, life was good. We were discussing what we had seen the previous day when a motherloving BEAR ran out in front of the car! I squealed like a piglet and Jo could not believe it. The bear did not look very big, so I don’t think it was fully grown. It ran pretty quickly though and dove down a steep slope on the other side of the road. It was different when I saw a bear in Banff, because that bear was mooching by the side of the road and was, like, ‘Bothered?’, about all the people looking at it. The bear made our day!

Me looking through Chad's sunroof. The only time it was open on the trip. Sigh.

We eventually got to the sequoia grove and, yep, the trees were pretty big. We only saw the ones near to the car park though, the biggest ones were a few miles away, because we still had seven hours to drive to Las Vegas and it was already lunch time at this point.

Yep. That's a big tree.

We got on the road to Vegas and we drove through a more desert landscape than we had before. It was still really hot obv. Some of the towns, and I use the term fairly loosely, looked like post Apocalyptic trailer parks. I don’t think I had ever really considered the fact that there must be parts of America which are just Godawful to live in. I really like cities, so I just assume that everywhere is full of life and not that bad to live in. But some of these places looked really impoverished – I guess that’s just a side of America I had never really thought about before because you always hear how America is the richest country in the world, economic powerhouse blah blah blah. I suppose it also exposes my ignorance of modern America because I have no idea where such areas are. In England I know exactly where they are (Hull, Runcorn and Bradford, I am looking at you) and how to avoid them!

We drove on the Zzyzx road. I have no clue how you pronounce that. We also drove past some roadside signs which had the Ten Commandments on them. This was literally in the middle of the desert so someone was pretty determined to tell us not to kill and steal. The landscape was strange; it was orange and dusty and craggy and sort of lunar looking. We were not in England anymore, that was for sure.

Jo was tired of driving as I hadn’t done any yet. This particular day I felt like I would never be able to digest food again. I didn’t appreciate how difficult it was to eat normally when on the road. I suppose that is why truckers are all so fat (when they are not busy murdering prostitutes). Says the fat bitch. It is impossible to eat food made of anything remotely resembling fruit or vegetables. Deep fried and mainly made of cheese could have accurately described my diet throughout the whole trip. As a cheese connoisseur, it wasn’t even good cheese.

We had the High School Musical soundtrack on to pep us up because, you know, we’re all in this together. And then we had Arctic Monkeys on as we approached Vegas itself, to gee us along. As we reached the outskirts of Vegas, we started seeing the really crappy casinos which had to lure people in with offers of free food and gasoline.

We eventually found the Luxor where we were staying and the pyramid had the laser beam sticking out of the top. This was the Mecca of light pollution. We were not staying in the pyramid, but in one of the towers. The room was massive and the bathroom was insane. It could have been a third of the size. It had a weird shower with a seat in it and a phone next to the toilet. This must be what luxury looks like. Who knew?

Jo is so classy

We left the hotel for a wander down the Strip. It was probably 9pm but the heat was ridiculous – it was like when you open the oven door and go ‘Wooooah’ and take a step back. It hits you right in the face as soon as you leave the air conditioned perma daylight of the casinos. We had to walk through Excalibur to get to the Strip. Excalibur was probably cutting edge in 1989. Why anyone would want to stay there now, I do not know.

We reached New York, New York and decided to go on the rollercoaster. Because we were in Vegas. The rollercoaster was way jerky and probably gave us mild whiplash. We walked past a duelling piano bar and thought that we might check it out the next night. What a fateful decision.

We decided to go and look at the fountains at the Bellagio. As we were walking to the Bellagio, there were tons of men handing out flyers, but only to other men. These were flyers for strippers. You could get 2 for the price of 1. Or you could get women to come to the hotel room and if you didn’t like the look of them, you could send them back without charge. What a reflection of the times we live in. The fountains ‘danced’ to a *vomits* Shania Twain song. It wasn’t that impressive and it seemed sort of obscene to have all that water wasted in the middle of the desert. And I don’t even like the environment.

Man, I feel like a fountain

We wanted to go to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I like cheese. I like cake. I like cheesecake. We had heard that there was one in Caesar’s Palace. We had to walk through a shopping mall, tons of gambling areas and push our way through the massive line for the Pussycat Dolls Lounge to get there. This area consisted of the usual gaming pits, roulette wheels etc. but each table had a woman in lingerie grinding away on top of it. And I bet they have never felt so empowered. Isn’t that the message of the Pussycat Dolls? Confession time: I saw the Pussycat Dolls on tour in Manchester. In my defence, it was free. In between performing such hits as ‘Don’t Rape Me’ and other female empowerment anthems whilst wearing only their underwear, it was obvious to anyone with eyes that all the other Pussycat Dolls hated the lead singer. I digress.

We eventually found the Cheesecake Factory and had to wait for a table near a mahoosive fish tank. We then had an appetizer as an entire meal. Jo got about 50 nachos and I got 8 pieces of quesadilla. And the waitress was asking us what we wanted for our main course. We didn’t have anything. Though I forced down some Key Lime cheesecake. Tough job, but someone had to do it.

I totally forgot about this until I saw the picture. I tried to take a pic of Jo with what I thought was a camera, but was actually the GPS. I am a tool. I blame tiredness. Nothing to do with any kind of daiquiri.

By the time we came out of Caesar’s, it was 1am and it was still hotter than hell. We were so exhausted/lazy, we got a taxi down the Strip back to the hotel. The Egyptian theme of the Luxor made me feel like we were sleeping in the food court at the Trafford Centre and Las Vegas in general was like a hot Cesspool Blackpool.

Sunday, 15 March 2009

Yo, What The Dillio?

The artist formerly known as Joaquin Phoenix, actor, is now Joaquin Phoenix, white rapper. As disturbing as all white rappers are, he has a pretty unique brand of crazy. And in the words of Natalie Portman at the Oscars, he looks like he "works in a Hassidic meth lab".

Spare any change?

Wankin' Phoenix, as he is charmingly referred to by my father, has decided that his future lies in the big bad world of rap. From the grainy YouTube footage available, he appears to be delusional. Sub-Vanilla Ice is probably being generous.

Everyone's favourite ex-cult member, and favourite living Phoenix, seems to think that to make it as a rapper, all it takes is the ability to mumble, an abundance of head nodding and exiting the stage by comedy pratfall whilst looking like a dishevelled sexual predator.

The fact that people are cheering in that video only goes to show the true extent of alcoholic imbibement in Las Vegas. It also shows a difference in Transatlantic humour as NOBODY laughs when he falls off stage.

That video also shows that his stage, erm, presence is very much like that one time you got hammered and decided that it would be, like, the funniest thing, like, EVER if you got up and did karaoke to 'U Can't Touch This' or 'Boom! Shake The Room' or if you simply and randomly broke into the theme tune of 'The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air'. Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and shooting some b-ball outside of school. Word up.

Some people are suspicious as to this change in career and it should be noted that the-even-less-talented-Affleck, Casey, is following Jay-Phee around with a camera documenting his new 'career'. I can't help but think it is some elaborate spoof and the joke, quite unhilariously, is actually on us.

Evil emperor Commodus has also been in the news lately for attacking a fan who heckled him. Those who stick their heads above the parapet often get shot at. According to The Times, Phoenix stated "I've got a million f****** dollars in my f****** bank account. What have you got?" Erm, a razor? Sanity? Legal grounds to sue you and relieve you of some of those million fucking dollars?


Friday, 13 March 2009

I Am Padgate's Own James Joyce

So I mentioned that some of my old school work was pretty funny. And it is.

I read through some of the stories I had written (up to the age of 16) and most were just hilariously badly written.

I have never really been one for 'creative' writing. I lack ideas and skills. Approx. 84% of the stories ended: 'And then he woke up. It had all been a dream!'

I found a story I had written in Mrs S' class which was essentially a massive rip off of 'The Goonies' - i.e. I somehow found myself stranded on a desert island and was then rescued by my dad in a helicopter and he didn't believe all these adventures I had and scrapes I had gotten into until I found loads of jewels and gold in my pockets. All whilst I had been pursued by the Fratellis.

I found another story I had written about the day an alien came to school. The alien's name? The highly unusual Dennis. This story also featured a character called John Python. For reasons unknown, I laugh out loud each time I even think of that. Python. Haha!

I then re-discovered a story I had written when I was 7 which had me eating an hallucinogenic mushroom, shrinking, talking to a pixie and being pursued by a giant named 'Manhugger'. I had also drawn a picture of Manhugger and he was wearing blue hotpants, and a yellow half-shirt with 'I Am The Manhugger' written on it - just to make it that little bit more latently homosexual.

Some nuggets of gold were lurking amongst the dross. The first one is a poem/weird thing which is actually mounted on cardboard as though, at some point, it formed part of a wall display. The shame:

Jessica Dreamers Fantastic Friends

When I am bored out of my brain,

I call Take That round for a game.

There is Robbie, Mark and Howard,

Gary and Jason were going to come too.

But they had to stay home that night because they had the flu.

We watched the Take That And Party video,

We had a party.

They signed my school shirt then they went away.

What bad luck for the very next day my Mum chucked the shirt away!

This is hilarious on SO many levels. Who the hell is Jessica Dreamer?! That is not my last name. How obsessed with Take That was I?

And could I have made the fact that I did not fancy Gary or Jason any more obvious?

And why would I make Take That watch their own video?

Why would they sign my shirt when I had all their CDs?

Lately I have had Take That on the brain - clearly nothing has changed since I was 10 years old! I have 'Shine' in my head from the all-singing-all-dancing panto finale, I started at least 3 people singing 'Greatest Day' in the kitchen the other day. And I had a dream I was at a Take That concert and I forced my way to the front and started heckling Gary Barlow by shouting that I was 'from near Frodsham' as though that would make him know me.

Then I came across an exercise where we had to interview someone we admired. I chose Walt Disney. I hearted Disney. Still do.

What does Mickey Mouse like to drink?

Does Mickey Mouse ever change his clothes?

What would you put on Donald Duck instead of a sailor suit?

Has Mickey got a teddy bear?

Is Goofy Mickey's best friend?

My 7 year old brain was clearly obsessed with clothes. I have also drawn a picture, to accompany the questions, of Pluto sporting what can only be described as a Hitler moustache.

The best things I have written, however, are all in my news books. Every Monday we would write in our news book what we had done at the weekend. This is some of the most pointlessly detailed, most random, most stream of consciousness writing I have ever read.

On Saturday we played out and we played on the swings and my brother played with the hula hoop and on Sunday we went to our nanas and we watched Care Bears and Thomas The Tank Engine and Postman Pat and we played jumping.

Old school TV right there.

On Wednesday I took J and M to the pictures to see Danny The Champion Of The World and it was funny and pheasants like raisins.

What a review. Move over Roger Ebert.

On Christmas I opened my presents and when I opened my keyboard I said I got a cardboard box. And I got a jigsaw which takes one hour to do. I got Pop Up Pirate from a party but it didn't work so we got another one but that didn't work so we changed it for Ghost Castle.

That party was for E's mum's work - I wasn't even supposed to be there. But still came away with a gift. Result.

On Christmas Day I watched the BFG and I watched Grease 1 it was a story about the Pink Ladies and Thunderbirds and a boy called Danny and a girl called Sandy and I watched Grease 2 a new English boy had started the school and he did not speak American but he liked it and Sandy came to the Pink Ladies house. She drank white wine and loads of lemonade and she ate lots of chocolate biscuits and then Danny came and one of the Pink Ladies climbed out of the window!

Couldn't speak American! Haha! The Thunderbirds? I am getting my TV shows mixed up here. My Roald Dahl obsession is also clearly evident. This is before my mum ruined it for me by explaining her theory that the BFG was actually a paedophile, not a Big Friendly Giant. 'I mean a grown man, going through children's windows at night? You tell me that hasn't got sexual predator written all over it?' I don't even want to hear her thoughts on Willy Wonka.

All about me. My name is Jessica. My eyes are hazel my hair is golden brown I have got some freckles. I live in a house. I used to have a canary but he died on New Years Day 1990. I still have my rabbit. My lunch time club is bookclub. The things that I like to wear the most is a dark blue pinafore and a white blouse. My favourite work at school is Scottish maths. Dear God our father thank you for making me one of your special children. Amen.

The teacher has written 'Amen' underneath this in black pen.
What tha funk? Where did that last sentence come from? I think this was when I was in a class which was taught by someone who was a member of a 'breakaway' church - someone who is actually good friends with my mother to this day so I'd better shut up.

On Sunday I went to The Noggin and we had our dinner. I had mushroom soup and chips. The chips were fifty five pence for a bowl of them. I had some tomato ketchup and a drink of diet pepsi. And that is all I had.

And I breathed in 65 times and I scratched my face 15 times and I blinked 239 times. Seriously, 55p for chips? God damn you inflation! I love how I am just casually reporting the fact we were in a pub when I was about 6 years old. Incidentally, the last time I was in The Noggin was en route to Kelly Clarkson.

For Christmas I would like to get a computer. I would like as well 2 pet mice. I adore mice. I would like a Kylie video as well. I would like a Polly Pocket Disco Cassette Player and a girls world. I would like a cuddly Orville duck. Thats all I would like.

Underneath this the teacher has written 'I hope you get all your wishes' and I have written under that 'I didn't'!
I don't think I got a computer - I don't remember having one that young. Thankfully, I never got any mice. I now hate mice and can't believe I ever liked them. I never got a Polly Pocket tape player - I had tons of other Polly Pocket stuff though. And I SO got a Kylie video. And then for my birthday in Feb, I got a Jason Donovan video. Hell yeah.

Over Christmas I went ice skating with M. We went to Altrincham ice rink. On my first time round I held onto the rail then I did not hold on and I ice skated by myself. I went to the pictures to see Home Alone. C was there as well.

Back when Macauley Culkin had the world at his feet. Sigh.

On Sunday my nana and grandad came to our house. They walked because my grandad needed some exercise because he has got the shingles and just before they got there S came and we played on the go kart and we played hide and seek and then she went home and we went inside to have a game of Cluedo. We got the rabbit out and then we went to the chipshop.

I can provide you with my entire family's medical history if you'd like? And Phina, feel my pain, a documented reference to ST being round at my house. Story of my childhood.

Yesterday we played a game of badminton. I won it was great. Then we went to Texas in town to look for some tiles for the shower. Then it was tea time and we went to the chip shop and then we went home and I watched Watching and The Darling Buds Of May.

Texas? Oh my god! Remember when that store existed?! Now I think it is JJB Sports opposite what was Bar Tempo. The Darling Buds Of May, back when Catherine Zeta Jones was still Welsh. And seemingly, all I did at the weekend was eat chips. Old habits die hard.

On Sunday I went on a picnic with M. We saw chickens and geese and in the trees were some monkeys and chickens and there was two dogs circling around the picnic table. Then we went to an art gallery there were lots of Lowry paintings there.

I doubt there were monkeys in the trees. By the sounds of it we were in Salford, so if there were monkeys in the trees, I am sure they were soon stolen.

On Saturday we went to a pub for dinner. I had cheese sandwiches and chips. Then we went home and then we went to the park and played. On Sunday we played Monopoly and I won. Then I went to the shop and I bought a bar of chocolate. I went home after that.

Chips and chocolate and the pub. I had such a healthy childhood.

For Christmas I got a midi hifi system which plays CDs and tapes. I went to Catalyst which is a museum. It has got a smell machine it was good. I also went ice skating at Altrincham ice rink.

Ah, back when the CD player was cutting edge and only Patrick Bateman in American Psycho had one. I don't remember going ice skating nearly as much as my writing suggests.

On Monday my brother went to see Hook. I said to my mum 'that's not fair' so mum took me into town and bought me some new clothes. The next day E came to play and gave us Easter eggs. They were Cadbury's Creme Eggs. The next day was my piano lesson and the teacher was pleased with me. After we went to the train station to catch a train to town, the train was on time. On Friday I took M to see Hook. We enjoyed it.

Classic parenting, right there. Buy her something to shut her up. Why was I so desperate to see Hook? Though it is classic when that fat kid turns himself into a cannonball. And Rufio. Good to see that I took punctuality seriously back then. Preparing myself for the 2 year commute I endured, no doubt.