Saturday, 31 January 2009

How Do You Make A Cat Go Woof?

Things that have made me happy this week:

1. Noah & The Whale - 5 Years Time.
There is nothing wrong with a world in which this song exists.

2. That my spurious (unless you are from the insurance company, in which case, TOTALLY GENUINE) insurance claim was accepted no questions asked. Nothing like a little white collar crime to start off the week. Alledgedly. To think I am a semi-qualified lawyer.

3. The woman on Maury Povich who was named Ricktoria.
What. A. Name. The fact that her boyfriend was trying to impregnate her mother made me a bit less happy. What is wrong with people?! And why do I enjoy watching it so much?!

4. Come Dine With Me & Masterchef
TV Gold. Especially the episode with the 3rd Chuckle Brother which nearly ended in a fistfight. Also, what the Christ was that woman's accent?! And need I say more than pork chop surprise? I need not. Though I clearly just did.

5. Mer commenting on my little nerd blog.
Considering I have only told literally 2 people about this (and that they are fully aware of my misanthropic nature) to have someone from outside those 2 comment puts a smile on my face and warms my blackened little heart!

6. The thought of making a jelly for Birthday Week.
I am thinking traffic light. I am thinking possibly in a mould. I am thinking too much about jelly.

7. CBM admitting to having eaten 2 Krispy Kreme donuts. Before upping the ante to 3 and eventually settling on 5.

8. Phina talking about the conspiracy theory surrounding early 20th Century nanny killer and famous missing person, Lord Byron. And the poet Lord Lucan.

9. Being reminded of the 'Emergency Pull Off Zone' on the Pennsylvania Turnpike between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. Nothing like a good innuendo.

10. Slumdog Millionaire

11. The T-Mobile flashmob dancing ad. Specifically the face of the old woman when 'Do Ya Love Me?' comes on - she's really enjoying herself!

12. The Daily (Hate) Mail headline: 'More People Could Go Blind As Credit Crunch Causes People To Avoid Eye Tests'. If you didn't laugh, you'd cry.

Things that I am indifferent to:

1. Turning 21. Again.

Things that I most definitely did not enjoy:

1. Bob The Cat putting his entire tail in the fire and making the living room stink of burnt cat hair. CBM then spraying furniture polish all around the room thinking that it was air freshener. Mr Sheen + burnt cat hair = how I imagine Pete Doherty smells.

Friday, 30 January 2009

Things I Wish I Could Be Bothered To Care About

1. The Environment
I just cannot be bothered to care about the planet. I am considering taking up eating beef after 15 years of meat free existence just because beef production is the most environmentally damaging thing you can do.

Am I going to stop flying? Hell no! Am I going to use public transport more? The people tend to be drunk and/or crazy and incredibly vocal and since coming back from Sweden I only have the one kidney now. Am I going to take up bike riding? No. Too much like exercise.

Though it should be noted that at 184, I am the only one with an energy saving light bulb. Unfortunately, this means I have to switch my light on 3 days in advance. Night vision goggles would be more use. I also reuse plastic bags and recycle my many empty bottles. My work here is done.

2. The Middle East
I really don't understand what is going on there. I don't think anyone does. Not even Newsround can make this situation seem any less of the gigantic clusterfuck it actually is.

3. Robert Mugabe
I know that he is a Bad Man and that bread costs a trillion squillion Zimbabwean dollars. I know that Mugabe is one of the few people still willing to commit to the Hitler moustache. That is all I know.

4. Poetry
What is the point? Getting to wear a beret makes it seem slightly more fun, but it really is pretentious garbage innit?!

5. The Future
Yeah, I should probably have a life plan. I should probably have a good job by now. I should probably have any job by now. I should probably have made some progress towards behaving like an adult by now. I should probably not spend so much of my time imagining what it would be like to be able to read minds or trying to think up The Ultimate Sandwich.

6. People Other Than Myself

Things I Really LOVE, But Should Know Better

1. The Twilight Saga

I know that I should be extremely dismissive of pretty much everything to do with Twilight.

I am not a 12 year old girl.
I am not an emo.
I don't believe in vampires.
I don't believe in werewolves.
I have a degree. And a postgrad degree. One of them from an actual university.
Hell, I have English Literature A Level.
I don't appreciate Mormon propaganda.
I HATE the last book with the passion of a thousand burning suns.

Yet something about these books has wormed its way into my brain and is slowly, ebola style, eating away at my mind. I cannot stop thinking about them. I dream about them. I attempted to find a book shop in Las Vegas. Las Vegas, I tells ya! I made a detour in Madison, Wisconsin to buy books two and three. I walked ten, fucking TEN!, blocks in New York City to buy Breaking Dawn (with hindsight I really shouldn't have bothered). I have seen the film 3 times in cinemas. I have even made some Edward Cullen fridge art.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

Nathan Barley @ Bloc Party

I went to see Bloc Party last night at the Manchester Apollo. I have never been sweatier or more penned in at a gig as then. Someone smelt quite violently of wet dog too. Nice.

I hadn't listened to the new Bloc Party album prior to the live experience but I really quite enjoyed it. The sound was a lot better than I had come to expect from seeing other Bloc Party performances on TV and the like. The drummer also took his shirt off - which I had confidently predicted would happen en route to said show. Point for me.

My real issue here was not the usual one of Despicable Couple Behaviour (no, I am not sitting here typing this wearing a Miss Havisham style moth balled wedding dress), but the somewhat newer one of Indie Kid Stood Two Inches Away And Behaving Like A Twat.

It usually unfolds thusly - girl (or boy - they all seemed to share the same haircut and checked shirt) with ridiculously overstyled-just-got-out-of-bed-and-my-hair-just-happens-to-look-like-this-yeah? hair, charity shop clothing, panda eye make up and crotch strangling pants dances pretty much on you whilst waving a glow stick, sloshing a pint everywhere, hugging a friend and/or, in the words of Simon Amstell, rebelliously smoking a cigarette 'you can legally buy in shops'. In a no smoking venue, no less. You tell The Man, Tarquin.

I mean, you're a fan. I get it. You know all the words and everything and really want to sing along whilst dancing. You even knew that the drummer was the Asian one. Just don't do it right in my face you Nathan Barley-esque nobber. Yeah?