Sunday, 6 November 2011
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
No, that is not Donatella Versace after a particularly fierce housefire, that is the mother of the bride. Jesus wept.
Her dress is special for the wedding - she travelled all the way to Wigan to buy it. [The level of cringe inherent in that sentence for anyone from the North West of England is colossal]
The show also delves into the process known as 'grabbing'. In a nutshell, if a gypsy boy sees a female he likes the look of, he approaches her and asks for a kiss. The girl should always say no, otherwise she is immediately and indelibly branded a slut. The boy than asks for another kiss and punches the girl. She is still supposed to say no. The boy carries on punching her until she gives him a kiss.
So far, so rapey.
Them bastards at Channel 4 have disabled embedding for vids so here are some links to some of the best bits.
Josie's hen party her theme is Spanish
Josie's dress which she also thinks is Spanish
Josie is already pregnant according to The News Of The World. What a catch her husband Swanley is. He drove himself to the wedding in a transit van, got lost and tried to take a drink into the church with him. Classy.
My pathetic words cannot do this show justice - I strongly recommend watching the Youtube clips of the whole farrago.
The programme also shows the lives of gypsy children. It showed one girl getting her first spray tan at the age of 6. She thought that was the right age. She was having her first Communion, so that required her face to be covered in glitter spray. Jesus loves glitter spray.
What was genuinely quite disturbing was the way the 6 year old girls were dressing and dancing. They were dancing as though they were getting paid by the hour for it. They had mini stripper clothes on too. Very unsavoury.
Perhaps the most bizarre part of the show so far was the story of the brother and sister who were having their Communion and had outfits specially made for it. The inspiration for her dress and his suit? The movie Coming To America, obviously.
"What does dumb fuck mean?"
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Loving the latest flash mobbery from T Mobile.
Also curious as to how all these people arriving at Heathrow airport all look so fresh and non-dishevelled. Short haul is my guess ...
I always look like a wreck when I'm there, the last time being in June when I stumbled through arrivals looking exactly like someone who had spent the previous 4 weeks sleeping in a tent and drinking heavily.
I then had to get some sort of train and run, yes run, to domestic departures to avoid missing a connection to Manchester because British Airways are flight cancelling bastards. Consider yourself blacklisted along with American Airlines and Air France.
EDIT: I can't seem to get the video to shrink to fit the margin. Deal with it.
Thursday, 14 October 2010
This weekend I am travelling to Monkey World in Dorset, a mere 4 and a half hours from home.
The point of the visit? To look at monkeys. Hopefully without getting my face torn off.
More specifically, to see this orangutan:
AKA the fattest primate in Britain.
The orangutan is called Oshine [pronounced Osheen] and weighs 100kg. Even fatter than me.
She had been kept as a pet in South Africa and lived on sweets, jelly, burgers and marshmallows. Now she has been put on a diet of fruit and vegetables. And she doesn't look happy about it.
She looks like a little, angry, fat ginger man. A kind of fanta pants primate version of Phil Mitchell ... minus the ludicrous crack addiction.
Oshine had to travel in a specially built crate from Joburg to London. The shame.
Oshine had better be on display to the public. If not, I'll be demanding a refund.
I love an obese pet.
There is nothing better than seeing a really fat cat looking completely disinterested as it's moron owner dangles some yarn in front of it in a vain attempt to encourage it to exercise. Or an obese cat in a sweater. Or with something on it's head. Or wearing sunglasses.
Obese pets, putting the lol into cruelty to animals.
Monday, 20 September 2010
Scorecards at the ready. Eyes down looking.
02 - a North Carolina location
62 - a 76 page long chapter where he waxes poetic in an attempt to be 'literary'
16 - main character is a 30-something single mother who is described as 'still smoking hot' or 'in great shape'
85 - male romantic lead mainly wears khaki pants or deck shoes without socks
24 - novel's only pop culture reference is to Pokemon cards [and the novel was first published in 2009]
77 - completely untelegraphed, patently ridiculous ending which occurs on page 320. The preceding 319 pages having given no sense that the novel was close to even ending, nevermind in such a paper thin, moronic fashion [Hello, Message In A Bottle]
53 - romantic lead's pursuit of main character could most accurately be described as 'stalkerish'
39 - the only actor you can picture playing the male lead is Kevin Costner circa 1992
60 - minor character has a ridiculous name like Cornflake Sweetshop
48 - a lingering sense that the author had spent 300 pages unravelling plot threads and then 14 pages and an epilogue tying them up
94 - the characters have gone out on a date and eaten fresh crabs and drawn butter
11 - couple have a deep and meaningful talk about their relationship and then one of them says something which no one on planet Earth has ever actually said - like 'Just hold me!'
87 - male character dresses up for a date and is described as wearing a 'sports jacket'. Whatever that is.
73 - a character feels something tighten. "She felt her stomach tighten" or "His throat tightened"
51 - character, who is a school teacher, can get a school day off whenever they feel like it to go to the beach or to wallow miserably in their bed
18 - character finds a message in a bottle and doesn't once reference the Police song of the same name
44 - the print is inordinately large
70 - the male romantic lead is an insufferable douche [I am talking about you, Mr A Walk To Remember] and has a truly odious personality
63 - the book is so poorly written and short, you are left confused by the actual ending. You strongly suspect she dies, but the last sentence is so ridiculous you are not quite sure
03 - Nobody has sex until at least page 200
38 - at the end of the book there is the first chapter of the next exciting Nicholas Sparks magnum opus
Sunday, 20 June 2010
It is also the law that you must have an ice cream, no matter the weather.
I went to Blackpool and up to the top of the Blackpool Tower.