Sunday, 6 November 2011

Things I Love ....

Nikita the cat :)

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Must See TV

The front of her dress appears to have fallen off. Oh, I forgot. It's Spanish.

There is a show currently on television which manages to amaze, appall and enthrall me in equal measure every Tuesday night.

That show is Big Fat Gypsy Weddings.

Pretty much sums things up, does that title.

It follows girls in the 'travelling' community as they prepare to get married at 17/18 years old.

It is jaw dropping.

It also explains all about the gypsy culture - girls and boys do not socialise together, girls do not drink alcohol, there is no sex before marriage, girls come out of school at 11 to stay home and do housework, seemingly everyone is Irish and has only ever 'travelled' as far as a caravan site in Essex, mullets and ridiculous facial hair are very popular with gypsy men and the most important part of the wedding day is the dress.



This wedding dress weighed 20 stone and featured lights and moving butterflies. Thelma, the scouse dressmaker of choice for the gypsies, was on hand at the wedding with a fire extinguisher in case something went wrong with the electrics. Thelma has also allegedly been done for benefit fraud. Just sayin'.

The bride and groom's first dance was at arms length. Literally.

A friend of mine was asked to do the hair and make up for this wedding. She said no.

No, that is not Donatella Versace after a particularly fierce housefire, that is the mother of the bride. Jesus wept.

Her dress is special for the wedding - she travelled all the way to Wigan to buy it. [The level of cringe inherent in that sentence for anyone from the North West of England is colossal]

The show also delves into the process known as 'grabbing'. In a nutshell, if a gypsy boy sees a female he likes the look of, he approaches her and asks for a kiss. The girl should always say no, otherwise she is immediately and indelibly branded a slut. The boy than asks for another kiss and punches the girl. She is still supposed to say no. The boy carries on punching her until she gives him a kiss.

So far, so rapey.

Them bastards at Channel 4 have disabled embedding for vids so here are some links to some of the best bits.

Josie's hen party her theme is Spanish prostitute

Josie's dress which she also thinks is Spanish

Josie is already pregnant according to The News Of The World. What a catch her husband Swanley is. He drove himself to the wedding in a transit van, got lost and tried to take a drink into the church with him. Classy.

My pathetic words cannot do this show justice - I strongly recommend watching the Youtube clips of the whole farrago.

The programme also shows the lives of gypsy children. It showed one girl getting her first spray tan at the age of 6. She thought that was the right age. She was having her first Communion, so that required her face to be covered in glitter spray. Jesus loves glitter spray.

What was genuinely quite disturbing was the way the 6 year old girls were dressing and dancing. They were dancing as though they were getting paid by the hour for it. They had mini stripper clothes on too. Very unsavoury.

Perhaps the most bizarre part of the show so far was the story of the brother and sister who were having their Communion and had outfits specially made for it. The inspiration for her dress and his suit? The movie Coming To America, obviously.

"What does dumb fuck mean?"

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Things That Really Annoy Me 2.0 Edition

Has anyone been on Facebook lately?

How annoying has that place become?

I don't want to know that you love your children/family/unborn child/sister's boyfriend. I don't care.

Actually, I probably would care about that last one.

Facebook should be kept light and loose.

Deep down we're all only on there to gawk at people we went to school with or used to work with to see just what a car crash everyone's life has become.

Who has put on the most weight? Who has the most retarded looking children? Who is 27 and has 4 kids? Who has the least likely looking boyfriend? Who married somebody else that we went to school with? Who ended up marrying their boyfriend's dad (true story)?

What has really ignited my ire is the latest thing that we're all 'supposed' to do. Change your profile picture to that of a cartoon character from your childhood to 'raise awareness of, and help end' cruelty to children.

What the fuckity fuck.

So if I change my profile picture to Inspector Gadget, Chip 'N Dale (Rescue Rangers), The Raccoons, Jem & The Holograms etc etc that will stop a child getting punched in the face?

Pull the other one, it's got bells on it.

How arbitrary and moronic a concept is that?

What is most disappointing is the sheer number of people changing their bloody profile pics!

It's as if nobody wants to apply any logic or brain to this - as though by not doing it you will be seen as condoning or encouraging child abuse.

And of course, any child abuser randomly surfing Facebook will see that profile picture of Captain Planet or Top Cat, and will immediately be struck by such an epiphany that they will instantly change their ways.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Some of the people that have changed their profile pics are surprising to me. I always thought one individual in particular had such a cynical, dry sense of humour that they would in no way ever participate in such idiocy. But no, they are participating in this ridiculous, low IQ groupthink.

It's like the other herd behaviour instigated by that message to change your status to say what bra you have on to 'raise awareness' of breast cancer. How stupid. And downright offensive to anyone who has actually been affected, in any way, by cancer.

Moral of the story: People are dicks.

Oh, and because I posted this pic of The Thundercats here, instead of on Facebook, little Timmy has been beaten like a red headed step child.

Oh, and Pob wasn't a cartoon dickhead!

Sunday, 14 November 2010

My Kinda Welcome

Loving the latest flash mobbery from T Mobile.

Also curious as to how all these people arriving at Heathrow airport all look so fresh and non-dishevelled. Short haul is my guess ...

I always look like a wreck when I'm there, the last time being in June when I stumbled through arrivals looking exactly like someone who had spent the previous 4 weeks sleeping in a tent and drinking heavily.

I then had to get some sort of train and run, yes run, to domestic departures to avoid missing a connection to Manchester because British Airways are flight cancelling bastards. Consider yourself blacklisted along with American Airlines and Air France.

/rant

EDIT: I can't seem to get the video to shrink to fit the margin. Deal with it.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

OMGZ

I am so excited.

This weekend I am travelling to Monkey World in Dorset, a mere 4 and a half hours from home.

The point of the visit? To look at monkeys. Hopefully without getting my face torn off.

More specifically, to see this orangutan:


AKA the fattest primate in Britain.

The orangutan is called Oshine [pronounced Osheen] and weighs 100kg. Even fatter than me.

She had been kept as a pet in South Africa and lived on sweets, jelly, burgers and marshmallows. Now she has been put on a diet of fruit and vegetables. And she doesn't look happy about it.

She looks like a little, angry, fat ginger man. A kind of fanta pants primate version of Phil Mitchell ... minus the ludicrous crack addiction.

Oshine had to travel in a specially built crate from Joburg to London. The shame.

Oshine had better be on display to the public. If not, I'll be demanding a refund.

I love an obese pet.

There is nothing better than seeing a really fat cat looking completely disinterested as it's moron owner dangles some yarn in front of it in a vain attempt to encourage it to exercise. Or an obese cat in a sweater. Or with something on it's head. Or wearing sunglasses.

Obese pets, putting the lol into cruelty to animals.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Nicholas Sparks Bingo

As part of The Reading Crusade, I have just read the entire Nicholas Sparks archive. They were on special offer, alright? Either I was suffering from deja vu, or a lot of the books were fairly similar. I have concocted a game of bingo for when you next read one of Mr Sparks' fine tomes.


Scorecards at the ready. Eyes down looking.

02 - a North Carolina location

62 - a 76 page long chapter where he waxes poetic in an attempt to be 'literary'

16 - main character is a 30-something single mother who is described as 'still smoking hot' or 'in great shape'

85 - male romantic lead mainly wears khaki pants or deck shoes without socks

24 - novel's only pop culture reference is to Pokemon cards [and the novel was first published in 2009]

77 - completely untelegraphed, patently ridiculous ending which occurs on page 320. The preceding 319 pages having given no sense that the novel was close to even ending, nevermind in such a paper thin, moronic fashion [Hello, Message In A Bottle]

53 - romantic lead's pursuit of main character could most accurately be described as 'stalkerish'

39 - the only actor you can picture playing the male lead is Kevin Costner circa 1992

60 - minor character has a ridiculous name like Cornflake Sweetshop

48 - a lingering sense that the author had spent 300 pages unravelling plot threads and then 14 pages and an epilogue tying them up

94 - the characters have gone out on a date and eaten fresh crabs and drawn butter

11 - couple have a deep and meaningful talk about their relationship and then one of them says something which no one on planet Earth has ever actually said - like 'Just hold me!'

87 - male character dresses up for a date and is described as wearing a 'sports jacket'. Whatever that is.

73 - a character feels something tighten. "She felt her stomach tighten" or "His throat tightened"

51 - character, who is a school teacher, can get a school day off whenever they feel like it to go to the beach or to wallow miserably in their bed

18 - character finds a message in a bottle and doesn't once reference the Police song of the same name

44 - the print is inordinately large

70 - the male romantic lead is an insufferable douche [I am talking about you, Mr A Walk To Remember] and has a truly odious personality

63 - the book is so poorly written and short, you are left confused by the actual ending. You strongly suspect she dies, but the last sentence is so ridiculous you are not quite sure

03 - Nobody has sex until at least page 200

38 - at the end of the book there is the first chapter of the next exciting Nicholas Sparks magnum opus


Anyone got a full house?

Sunday, 20 June 2010

M.I.A


So, I have not really been around lately. And by lately, I mean 2010.

In my defence, I have been doing stuff.

I have provided pics as proof - because we all know that without pictures, it didn't really happen.

WARNING: This post contains pictures of my fat face and a man wearing a thong. Proceed at own risk.

I had me a trip to Crosby beach to go and see Another Place, the Anthony Gormley sculpture installation. It's basically a load of cast iron models of his body placed at various places along the shore.

This is what Anthony Gormley looks like.

STD?!
Who goes to the beach when it's minus 5 degrees? English people!
It is also the law that you must have an ice cream, no matter the weather.


We walked 6km along the beach - the figures are spread out over 3km


BFFs. And probably not how Anthony Gormley predicted people would use his 'art' - to take Myspace-style pictures.

Creating our own art


Moody

Bob, the cat who looks like Hitler, brought a live mouse into my parent's house and let it go in their bedroom. My mum trapped the mouse in the room by attatching a bungee cord to the door as it doesn't shut properly. Then they killed it in a mousetrap. Lolz.


I went to Lyme Park in Stockport.
Or for the nerds amongst us, I went to the location of Pemberley in the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice.
Colin Firth was not there, alas.

GJammz was there, however, and we made him pretend to be coming out of the lake a la the Firth.


This is only the 2nd cup of tea I have ever had.
Yes, I am 27.

Nom, nom, nom!
Scone and cream and jam!


I went to Blackpool and up to the top of the Blackpool Tower.
Stood on a bit of glass with a 380ft drop. Big wow.
If that glass can hold my weight, it can pretty much hold anything.

I went to the world's dodgiest waxwork museum.
Here's me and, erm, it'll come to me in a minute ...

Blackpool Tower

Don't look down

Wow. Matt Damon.

Tom Hanks would be turning in his grave. If he were dead.

Yes, that is a man wearing a thong. On a pole. The shame.
We must never speak of this night again.



Had a little trip down to Bath. Pretended I was in Persuasion and that.
Yet another Jane Austen reference.

Went into the cathedral

This is The Circus.
Nicolas Cage, and his hair, live here some of the time.

Snigger.

The Royal Crescent in Bath.
Would love to live in one of those houses - or stay in the hotel - if it weren't for the hordes of tourists. And the torrential rain.

Visited Stonehenge.
Don't bother.